The Mutesasiras, keeping strong

When did you get married?
Steven: We wedded in 2003.

Take us briefly through how the two of you met, that is, before you finally tied the knot?
Steven: I met Julie around 1997. At the time, I had just started a church at Kitante Hill School where she was studying S.5. Eventually, she ended up participating in the church’s choir. She was very good at music. As time went on, I slowly started studying her character. There was something very special about the way she behaved. Deep down, I knew that she would make a good wife one day.

What was very special about the way she behaved?
Steven: She was reserved and humble. Not so much all over the place like the majority of the other girls in the church. Her beauty on the other hand was also very striking.

How about you, Julie? Did anything strike you about Pastor Steven whenever you saw him ministering at the church?
Julie: He was a very neat man. Steven’s hair was well combed and his clothes fitted him perfectly well.

Tell us something about the proposal
Julie: I took his proposal as a joke. I kept thinking to myself that out of all the girls, why did he pick me? But when he kept showering me with love and care, it was when it hit me then that he was serious. When I told my mother later on about the proposal, she became a little worried and concerned. She asked me whether I could handle being married to a pastor. She perceived them as celebrities who were exposed to so many people. The worry became a little less eventually when she gave us her blessing to get married.
Steven: On the other hand, my parents were very respectful of the decision I had made to settle down with her.

What were the biggest adjustments you made from being single to married?
Steven: I had to cut down on the number of communications I was having with the other girls and started being very cautious of my actions so as not to offend Julie easily.
Julie: There was not so much that I had to adjust to. When I was single, I loved spending most of my time in doors and it was not any different when I got married. But then the priority had to shift from taking care of myself to my husband and the children when they came into the picture.

How do you feel about your spouse now compared to when you had just gotten together?
Steven: When we had just met, our love was a bit childish. But now, it has grown. Also, in the beginning of the relationship, there are things that I used to take as very important but now I have kind of relaxed about them. For instance, if she does not call me up during the day, I would understand that she is very busy and probably does not want to be disturbed.
Julie: I feel safer around him now than before.

How do you keep the romance alive?
Steven: We communicate constantly. From time to time for instance, I send her romantic messages and surprise her with gifts.
Julie: Just like what Steven said earlier on, we communicate constantly and surprise each other with gifts.

What is your favourite way of spending time with each other?
Steven: Listening to music.
Julie: We also watch movies of different sort such as love stories and adventure ones. There are times; we also watch animations (cartoons) although Steven does not enjoy them much.

What are your communications skills like today?
Steven: We always try as much as possible to always keep in touch through different platforms such as text messages and phone calls. We also like to sit down and discuss issues.
Julie: Steven never spends a day without calling me which he does about five times to inquire about how I am doing or had something to eat.

What is the one thing that irritates you most about spouse?
Steven: There are moments when Julie will over keep quiet and not say anything when I want to talk to her. The other thing is that she is so addicted to her phone, a habit I sometimes distaste.
Julie: Often times when we are driving somewhere and we bump into someone he knows, for instance, a church member, he will go ahead and engage in an endless conversation with the other person. At the back of my mind, I keep wondering whether he knows that I am still in the car and very anxious to continue on with our journey.

Has religion played a key role in your marriage and raising your children?
Steven: Yes, it has. We often pray together and it is these prayers that have kept us strong for the past years. Knowing the scriptures also helps us keep up breast of certain issues in our family.
Julie: It definitely has. My husband and I are Christians and have ensured that our marriage and children are guided under the Christian doctrines.

Do you ever divide house chores between you two?
Julie: He sometimes helps out with the cooking but I am always the one doing most of the work around the house.

What do you think are the most important key elements in maintaining a successful marriage?
Steven: Trust, love and patience are very important aspects which will enable you to thrive even during the most difficult times of your marriage.
Julie: Love is very crucial. Minus that, the marriage is not sustainable. Trust is also very important. If you are the type of wife who keeps following your husband around and meddling constantly in his personal affairs, it becomes dangerous for the marriage. Give him his space whenever he needs it.

What is the hardest thing you have had to deal with in your married life?
Steven: I never knew that there would ever come a point in our lives where Julie would become a prominent gospel artiste as she is today. Her sudden popularity is something that I took long to adjust to since she became very exposed and was often booked to perform at different concerts around the city. It was a very tough time for me.
Julie: When we had just gotten married, one of the biggest things that I had to deal with was the jealousy that kept creeping in because of the various women at the church who often approached Steven for counselling. Sometimes I would even cry because of it. It was something that I found really very difficult to deal with.

And how did you each deal with such insecurities eventually?
Steven: What else would I do rather than keep quiet and let her be. Besides, I am her husband and have to be supportive of her career. The other thing that I have endeavoured to do very often is to keep in constant communication whenever she has travelled somewhere to perform.
Julie: Over the years, I think I have outgrown the jealousy vice. I now understand that part of his job entails people to seek help from him. Things are better now.

How has religion played a role in your marriage and raising your children?
Steven: We often pray together and it is prayer that has kept us strong for the past years. We also often relate the different scriptures in the bible in our day to day lives.
Julie: We have ensured that our marriage and the children are guided under the Christian doctrines.

The best part of being married is….
Steven: Having someone who cares, loves and treasures you. It is good to have a person you share your inner most deep feelings and thoughts with.
Julie: Being protected and loved by someone else. It is always a nice feeling to have while married.

And the worst bit is….
Steven: Coping with someone of a different personality from yours can be quite tough. Sometimes you have to sacrifice and tolerate things in order to keep her happy.
Julie: There are times when my girlfriends call me to go for an outing but then I cannot because of marital and parental obligations.

What are your feelings on couples living together before marriage?
Steven: It is not a good thing to do because you get to learn so many things including the negative ones about the other person. And eventually, this may force one person to brush off the idea of settling down.
Julie: Once a couple does this, the man will not give you the maximum respect he would have accorded if you had moved in together after marriage. He will end up despising you. Women should not allow this to happen until when the man formalises the relationship.

What advice would you give singles out there about finding a mate?
Julie: Before you marry someone, ensure that you have dated the person for some good period of time so that you learn who they really are. You do not want to get shocked that a person behaves in a way you disapprove once you get married.
Steven: I agree with Julie.

Your signing out words….
Julie: Marriage is a good thing. It makes you more mature and learn a lot of things about life.
Steven: It is not good for someone to be alone. Loneliness can cause depression. Marry when you are ready.