Surviving a night of endless free liquor

Mugagga aguze is a Luganda phrase that means ‘the don has paid’ but has a far reaching implication than the surface meaning. It refers to a phenomenon where unbridled debauchery is spurred by an endless flow of all sorts of fancy liquors that none of you drunkards has paid for.

When this happens, usually all caution is thrown to the wind. Those who didn’t want to drink convince themselves to break their own rules because after all, they are not spending their money. Those that had early morning meetings send texts to their bosses about fictitious emergencies.

The vast majority ditch their usual drink of choice that they know how to control and deceive themselves to just take a glass of the fancy cocktail (The Slippery Nipple shot) before running home. Only a handful of cautious ones disappear after two glasses of alcohol. The vast majority get smashed and end up spending the night getting wasted beyond imagination. 

The craziest drunken stories you have ever heard all probably started with Mugagga aguze. There is a section in a drinker’s brain that takes over the operations of the mind in the face of free high-end alcohol. You want to taste that famous whiskey that is too expensive for you to even consider buying because it would take a large fraction of your salary.

So when you find it free at some party, that section of your brain tells you this is your only chance to check it out. So you go for it. Even if it turns out that you don’t like the taste that much, peer pressure will probably force you to keep taking it because you don’t want to appear like the villager that you are.

It doesn’t matter whether it is a extravagant wedding or a high-end product launch or an office party. Every once in a while, one finds oneself entertained by a generous host who broke the bank to get his guests as comfortable as possible.

The revellers descend on the fancy drinks first. Even the beer connoisseurs that swear by Nile Special will walk past the ice tub to queue up for the fancy spirits, rums and tequilas. They will ditch their drink of choice (usually a beer) in favour of a glass of coloured liquid with a slice of lemon balanced on its rim and an umbrella sticking out. Interestingly, however plentiful the fancy gins and rums and whiskeys are, they will get finished in a few hours.

 People are too greedy at such parties that they drink much more than they usually do if they are paying. If it is possible, the clever ones will steal whole bottles and hide them in their cars to take home.

Three hours later, after the meat balls and the barbeque nibbles have won off and the fancy drinks have been depleted, everyone will finally remember their beloved beer brand and beeline to the ice tub. By this time, everyone is as high as hell and speaking impressive English, at least according to the speaker’s ears.

They are so smashed they don’t remember that switching to beer after five hours of cocktails is a bad idea. From that point on, lapses in judgement rule the night.  The Rubicon has been crossed. Inhibition is an alien idea. Everything goes. It is hard debauchery now and embarrassing regrets later.

The question is, can you survive a night of endless free fancy drinks without going against your better judgment at every turn?

That silence is proof that no one is sure. We are all weak-kneed in the face of a great night out but there are strategies we can all rely on to keep us from regretting such a night instead of making memories.

First of all, no matter how thirsty you are when you arrive at such a party, fight the urge to grab a drink immediately. Unless that drink water, of course. In fact drinking water at such parties is a must. Find the meat-balls lady fast and eat as many as you are allowed to without looking like a monster.

Secondly, you would do yourself a favour to stick to your usual drink of choice. You alone knows how many Niles you can swallow and keep a sane head on your shoulders.

But if you are in the mood to pick up some culture by trying new drinks, first taste different kinds and chose the one you can see yourself drinking till the end. This way you don’t run the risk of drinking two large glasses of some brandy only to ditch it for beer because you didn’t like the taste after all. Your liver will thank you later.