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The good news: we are all eating from the same plate in Kampala
What you need to know:
Endless stories: It has been that month that begins in myth. The Ugandan pastors must be having a run with this July 7, 2023. Because everything in this date adds to a seven. One can always weave a story. And life is about stories. Myth after myth. A man without a myth is a man who has lost the secret of life. Because a good life can only be sustained by a great story. Otherwise, when you think through everything, it will not really make sense.
If Kampala was an industry, it would be a red ocean.
We wake up, we go to school, we work, we get a salary, we get married (some do not, some divorce), then we grow old and it all ends in death. If we were logical about life, it would never make sense. You need a certain dose of lies to sustain life, some myth. Some belief that it makes sense, that it ends in something. Deep down, everyone must believe in some kind of heaven, some redemption. We may disagree about our heavens, but everyone has some heaven they long for.
That is why DNA makes no sense. Because it is an attempt to live logically. Life needs some uncertainty. DNA is like playing your wild card early in the game. You only play that card at the end of your life. What you do not know, does not kill you. Or maybe it is not true, what you do not know can always kill you.
Because two weeks ago, I made a funny attempt and cheated on my barber. Just as there are soul mates, so it is with barbers. There is always that one barber who was made for your head. And when you find a barber who gets your head with all its ridges, then you have arrived home. I was in a rush, so I chose to go for the side things, and picked up the next available barber. I realised later that this new barber has a thing for foreheads. He tried to force a forehead on me. You know some of us do not have that signature East African forehead. This guy must have been paid to place me into Jumuiya by force. Apparently, you are not East African enough unless you present with symptoms of the forehead. If East Africa’s DNA was based on foreheads, I would be on the streets.
Now speaking of streets, the other gender has been sending men back to the streets. For the first time, men are acknowledging that ‘omwana wa mukyala…” The biggest myth ever sold was that the patriarchy had power. But it has always been devoid of power. It only knew how to put up a show. There is a common rule of the six degrees of separation, that no more than six people separate you from every being in this world. Between you and the President, there are just five people separating you. A friend believes in Kampala the rule plays out different. He says in Kampala, there is just one degree of separation. If it takes two to tango, in Kampala, we could all be on the same plate. You see, I am doing everything to make a case against DNA. We should all just agree that we are all Ugandans, and we move on. If Mukasa raises Odongo’s children, he should remember just one thing, that both Mukasa and Odongo are Ugandans.
And it is because we are eating from the same plate, which is why nothing gets so done in this city. Everyone tries to pick from the same hole. If Kampala was an industry, it would be a red ocean. We are all fighting for the same crumbs, we are in an endless loop of confusion. We should just agree on some rules of engagement. That at least people leave the plate cleaner than they find it. That no one comes out to claim full ownership of the plate. Above all, that we are Ugandans.
But then what is it that makes us Ugandans? Ugandans are the hardest species to replicate. You cannot even map out Ugandan culture. We all know there is a Ugandan culture but any attempt at defining it always falls flat and helpless.
Ugandans are a katogo of possibilities. They can love and hate you at the same time. They can use the same word to mean a million things. And they are ever changing. If you blink, Ugandans can leave you behind. By the time you wake up, Ugandans will always be in a new world. Ugandans are the only chaps that will find a way out of any obstacle. If Ugandans fail to clear an obstacle, they will laugh about it until it disappears. We smoke laughter for a living.
Again, who are we? What are we? We are everything and we are nothing. We are a people who believe and doubt at the same time. We live and die every day. We are a people of endless myths, we are all eating from the same plate, the only problem is the food is now getting finished… We must remember the ‘Lusaniya theory’, stick to your side of the Lusaniya!
Twitter: ortegatalks
