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Don’t forget to reshuffle your gamba n’ogus
What you need to know:
- CHANGE: My gamba n’ogus have fattened and grown docile. A gamba n’ogu must have the ability to close out an issue with one phone call. Henceforth, all my gamba n’ogus will be sent back to my version of ‘Kabalye’ for reskilling and retooling in the art and science of gamba n’oguism. You see, I have a Gamba n’ogu for passport issues, a gamba n’ogu for loans, a Gamba n’ogu for gigs.
One of my biggest discoveries last week was ‘ekitiribita’, some drink that the Bahima make out of millet flour. Of course, those folks that market other things will claim ekitiriba has more uses beyond what I tell you. But believe them at your own risk. Ekitiribita is basically food on the go. For those of us that still proclaim to the school of singlehood, ekitiribita comes in handy. It is kinda like the kikomando of the Bahima.
So armed with my new skills of making ekitiribita, I have no doubt that I will fulfil the President’s vision of transformation. I seek to transform from a low peasant economy to a fully industrialised middle class. But this transformation cannot come without the support of my partners, aka the gamba n’ogus. You know, in Uganda you must have a gamba n’ogu for everything. You must be connecting. Otherwise without a gamba n’ogu you can be stranded.
And that is what almost happened to me. One of my own had a traffic misunderstanding and I had to count on my gamba n’ogus to resolve it. But one by one, they were not forthcoming. The response rate was poor. I realised it has been long since I last reshuffled the gamba n’ogus. My gamba n’ogus have fattened and grown docile. A gamba n’ogu must have the ability to close out an issue with one phone call. Henceforth, all my gamba n’ogus will be sent back to my version of ‘Kabalye’ for reskilling and retooling in the art and science of gamba n’oguism. You see, I have a Gamba n’ogu for passport issues, a gamba n’ogu for loans, a Gamba n’ogu for gigs. But what happens when your gamba n’ogus get lazy? A reshuffle is imminent.
That said, I realised the biggest problem of Uganda’s music industry today is the lack of competition. Everyone is just on their own. Life requires some serious rivalries. Bebe Cool is because Chameleone was. Chameleone is because Bobi Wine was. But today, you can wake up from Lwemiyaga and you will land a hit in Kampala. You just need some funny and catchy song title, something that excites the thoughts of Ugandans. You see, something such as enkudi, or you could complicate it and say enkyukuli.
You get some other funny name. Instead of Ortega, you rebrand to Otty Pappy, and then launch your enkyukuli. From there, it is time for the Enkyukuli challenge on TikTok. And the TikTokers will be raving to the lines; ‘Every night Enkyukuli, every where Enkyukuli.’ Then before you know it, Otty Pappy will be in the Musicians’ Federation. But when all is said and done, Otty Pappy will need ‘egaali’. Egaali is everything in Uganda’s music industry. You can’t move alone.
Well, Egaali is now the quickest way of creating jobs in the Ugandan economy. Mbu when the economy is growing in a stochastic manner, it starts producing those kinds of jobs. Jobs such as customer service lead on Alien Skin’s egaali. It produces jobs such as Tiktok Manager for Enkyukuli singer. So do not be surprised, the jobs of the future are here. And these jobs will not be replaced by Artificial Intelligence (AI). They are here to stay.
I thus pity the parents that are paying through the nose for their children to access a good education. Who told you education creates jobs? It qualifies the little ones for jobs, but it does not create them. It is people like Otty Pappy and his Enkyukuli song that create jobs. It is the entrepreneurs. Because your child will graduate, and the only available job is to be social media manager on Otty Pappy’s egaali.
On a serious note, yours truly recently decided to enjoy Elijah Kitaka’s work. His music is a universe of its own. It grows on you. You must allow it to incubate. Kitaka’s music is not for when you are still troubled about whether nyanya mbisi or byonna sikilamu. It is when as a lady, you have found yourself a well-groomed fine dude such as Otty Pappy, with a drive leading to your villa. It is when you have bought yourself a three year and five-year treasury bond and you are watching them grow. It is when your gamba n’ogus need you more than you need them. That is the thing I found with Kitaka’s music. So Kitaka’s music is like you upgrading from some low blend of whiskey to a single malt aged over two decades. Mbu if you do not get Kitaka’s music, you are not the target market.
That said, why is everyone jumping onto the golfing trend? And why have cannulas become popular once again? Do we have serious researchers in this town? All my friends have gone to the golf course. They have abandoned me on the Subaru course. But also, how do they expect me to park a Subaru in the golf course yard? Simple me that is still dealing with gamba n’ogu problems. For the team that displays cannulas week on week, your life is not for the weak!
Twitter: ortegatalks
