Kenya wins first East African drinking and nyama championship

On the day that Somalia was getting admitted into the East African Community, another important tournament was happening on the sidelines. It was the first ever East African Drinking and Nyama Championship. The contest had seen the two countries – Kenya and Uganda face-off at the finals. Of course, Rwanda had dropped off along the way, they protested the fact that a drinking championship needed some coffee and juice. The Tanzanians did not trust Kenya’s intentions at this championship and wondered why it was not named after Nyerere. Burundi on the other hand was busy with the Irish potato harvest, they chose not to field a team.

Thus, the semi-finals had only four teams; Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), South Sudan, Uganda and Kenya. The games involving DRC and South Sudan were aborted. Issues started when the DRC club insisted that instead of the national anthem, they ought to play the Madilu system. For South Sudan, it was trouble with how someone had pronounced one of their names. The commentator had mistakenly forgotten South and that opened a can of worms. Thus, the game was left for Kenya and Uganda at the finals.

The finals were held at a popular nyama spot in Hurlingham. Uganda had fielded three players, including a joke of a player popularly known as the King of Ortega. Kenya on the other hand had fielded amateurs but by the end of the game, it was clear that the amateurs of Kenya were the equivalent of the Ugandan stars. To prepare for the match in the spirit of responsible drinking, a serving of ugali, mukimo and nyama was done. Some argue that this was the greatest undoing of the Ugandan team. Because no sooner had the food arrived, than the Ugandan team dived in, forgetting to make space for the drinks that were to follow. One of the Ugandan players was even heard confessing that he had no problem rescinding some points to the Kenyan team.

By the end of the game, the Ugandan players had forgotten that the game was being played in Kenya. One of them even argued that the SFC construction team had cleared all the potholes in Kampala.

“Imagine I have driven all the way from Karen to Nairobi West and there is not a single pothole on the Ugandan roads,” the fellow argued. It took much coercion for the fellow to be reminded that all these places were in Nairobi and not Kampala.

As the Kenyans received the award for their prowess in these games, the East Africans resolved to sustain this annual tournament. Ugandans think the venue should shift to some serious bar in Kampala and that instead of nyama, we can do our ‘ka-animal.’ Also with these games, it was suggested that an annual East African beauty pageant be organised as a way of solidifying this community of East Africans. In their press brief, the Ugandan team confessed that it was evident they were losing the game when the Kenyan women started resembling Ugandan women, and the Ugandan team had started speaking the language akin to that of the people that support Gor Mahia.

In other news, the festive season is really happening. But there is a way to find peace in Kampala. The first rule of finding peace is to avoid any route that takes you through Bugolobi, Industrial Area and Namuwongo. The second rule is to avoid buying class. The quickest way to sadness and poverty in Kampala is attempting to buy class.

Because why should you buy class in a city full of potholes? What class are you buying? You know classification is the rule of the book for those who want to buy money. That is why concerts will always have different classes. And humans have always been in dire need of some class, of someone to pump some esteem in them. The quickest way to esteem for most humans is to be under the illusion that they are better than the man next door. But why struggle for all that in this city? In any other city, it would make sense. It does not in this Kampala. No one should ever pull class on you in this city. Nothing should ever put you on tension in this city. The beauty about Kampala is that it equalised all of us. Sometimes people be rushing on the road, then we wonder; ‘rushing to achieve what in this city?’ Mukakane!

And finally, I am told even the nsenene have classes. That some of you must be eating the ones from China. Mbu the ones from Nyendo, Masaka go for a premium price and are rare. Mbu one even needs a broker for those ones from Nyendo. Mbu their heads are kind of different, and they even take a long time to die. At this rate, everything should worry you in Kampala, kubanga if nsenene also needs proper connections, then we can focus on the earlier drinking championship. Before you celebrate that you have eaten nsenene, be sure you have eaten ze-original ones, the ones from Nyendo! Some of you could be on mayanzis!

Twitter: ortegatalks