Can you really be independent in a relationship?

Yesterday, Uganda celebrated its 62nd independence anniversary, a time that always fills me with nostalgia for the more innocent days of my childhood. Those celebrations seemed more vibrant and highbrow back then, sparking a sense of wonder that I cannot quite put into words. 

I cannot pinpoint the exact age when I first learnt about Independence Day, but I vividly remember the feelings it stirred in me. Curious as ever, I turned to my long-suffering uncle, the family’s unofficial FAQ section, and asked him, “Can a person really be independent?” He nodded sagely and replied, “Yes, a person can be independent.” Intrigued, I probed further. “How?”

He explained that if I completed school, got a job, and earned my own money, I would have the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with whomever I wanted. Once this revelation sank in, my uncle was finally free from my endless questions, while I dove headfirst into a daydream of my soon-to-be independent life.

I imagined mountains of money, envisioning stacks of cash transforming into an endless supply of sweets, pancakes, and sodas. The material world beckoned; dresses, shoes, bags oh my! Most of all, I pictured a life of leisure, where my bed and I would reunite in blissful harmony. Back then, I felt like my bed was the love of my life, and everything else was conspiring to keep us apart.

To maximise our quality time together, I devised strategies to finish my chores at lightning speed. Laundry was my nemesis; I loathed it with a passion. I dreamt of a future with so many clothes that laundry would become a distant memory preferably one where I would hire people to do it for me. I envisioned a life where my only responsibility was to sit back, relax, and enjoy my newfound autonomy.

But then, that little word autonomy brought me back to reality. I realised that if I invited others into my life to handle the things I despised, I might never achieve the independence I craved. 

Although that realisation was a sobering moment for my daydreams, back then, I could not fully grasp the extent of the dependency we all accept to make life meaningful. Sure, independence sounds great on paper, but in practice? Let us just say to truly find joy it is a balancing act.

Many couples today have embraced the joys of independence and financial success, feeling they do not need anyone to complicate their lives. 

However, when they enter marriages or partnerships as they are called these days; they are shocked to realise that in reality, marriage thrives more on cooperation than autonomy. Every relationship relies on a bit of give and take, and a hefty bank account will not guarantee you relationship harmony.

I have encountered people who think accounting for their time or actions to their partners is beneath them. They waltz in and out as they please, proudly declaring their independence. But let us be real; that kind of behaviour tends to clash with the very essence of a partnership. Eventually, these relationships can become more turbulent than a soap opera, often leading to a dramatic finale. Relationships are like a good recipe; mixing in a little communication, compromise, and shared responsibility is key. Without that, they are destined to crumble, no matter how impressive your individual accomplishments might be.

Another area where the champions of independence often stumble is parenting. Many young parents do not quite grasp that this is a hands-on, lifetime commitment. No amount of wealth or professional success can help you headhunt the perfect candidate for this role. Sure, you might find someone who seems like they can handle it for you, but beware. 

One day, the bill will come due, and let me tell you, the interest on that debt compounds faster than a toddler’s energy levels after a sugar rush. You might think you can delegate the parenting gig, but trust me, there is no escaping that responsibility. There is no substitute for the hands-on approach, no matter how rich or accomplished you are.

In the natural world, it seems that nothing truly stands alone. Weak-stemmed plants lean on strong ones, and those sturdy plants happily soak up some shade from their less robust companions. 

Similarly, wise and successful people know that their lives are enriched by the connections they make, even with those they might initially view as “extra.” 

Just like those plants, we all have something to gain from each other. So, let us embrace the messy, interdependent web of life. After all, even the tallest trees benefit from the little ones around their roots.