He does not care for my sexual needs

My husband only cares for his sexual needs and for the 10 years we have been together, he has never gone an extra mile to see that I also get the satisfaction I desire. I have been open to him and told him how he is self-centred to no avail. So, I found other ways of satisfying myself without committing adultery. My worry is, will this not spoil my relationship with God? What should I do?  

Aliya

Dear Aliya,

Sexual desire is a complicated phenomenon and so many things can affect desire individually and between two people. Every couple will experience a “desire discrepancy” because no two people want exactly the same amount of sex, though sometimes, one person’s desire seems to fall off completely. Society sets us up to believe that this only happens for women. But the truth is that men can also struggle with desire.

I totally understand you when you say your sexual needs are not being met as expected. I would like to let you know that your feelings are legitimate. According to Willard F, in his book His Needs, Her Needs, when a man and woman marry, they share high expectations and commit themselves to meeting each other’s intense and intimate needs exclusively.

However, although this is the ideal, sometimes this might happen for a short time until certain changes take place. Other times, it may not happen at all, and this is when frustration sets in.

I can see that you have tried to be open with your husband but no change has taken place yet. Open and honest communication is crucial, especially when a married couple faces challenges such as whet you are facing right now. It can be true that you have spoken to your husband but the packaging of the message might have interrupted the intention.

Try to move away from using strong language or harsh words as this only widens the emotional gap between you and your husband. It can also cause resentment, a chief destroyer of intimacy in a relationship.

Discussing desires, needs and concerns openly can help you find solutions and strengthen your relationship. Speak from a nonjudgmental place, putting emphasis on how you feel; and less on blaming your husband.

Let him know how and what you exactly want and not how they have failed to do it. When you start from a point of blame, it is possible that your partner will not listen to you but instead, it will turn into an argument.

Sometimes, the causes can be as simple as an individual being unaware of what to do or sickness that your partner is not comfortable speaking about. It might be beneficial to explore new activities or seek guidance from a therapist or counsellor who will give you both a safe space to explore this subject as a couple.

Here is the good news; selfish people, including selfish lovers, can change, if they want to. “If this is an individual goal, and the person wants their relationships or marriage to work bad enough, they will do anything to change,” says sex therapist Jackie Golob. A shift in mindset is necessary, and you or your husband may need to make sacrifices. You both need to speak their mind and say exactly what you are looking for in a partner. “You have got to prioritise you, your relationship, and your sexual wellness. If you do not do show up for you, do not expect anyone else to,” adds Golob.

Lastly, when things feel stagnant, spending more intentional time together can help reignite intimacy. Experts recommend creating a time each day that is totally tech-free (which can often provide a distraction from sex for both you and your husband).

Agree to use this time to get out of your heads and into your bodies; perhaps go for a walk, dance, meditate—and then go on a date.

Spending this time together will also give you a chance to talk and since your husband will be calm, to tell him about your needs and how you would like them to be met.

Reader advice

It is spiritual bondage

Fredrick Egulau. Pleasuring yourself is a strong spiritual bondage that can be handled through fasting (Matthew 17:21). Do not fight a spiritual battle in a physical position. Do not even blame your husband. Just fast a few days as the Spirit leads and refer to Matthew 15:13, Psalms 125: 1-3 as your prayer points.

See a counsellor

Derrick Muganza. Pleasuring yourself is addictive even more than narcotics. Try to keep away from all sexual enhancing material you use. Porn clips in your phone or laptop and vibrators if you have. If you still do it based on photographic memory, try to get on a routine programme such as exercising at the gym, aerobics or subscribe to a chess club, anything that will occupy your mind. If you still do not get over it, see a counsellor.

Pray about it

Tonny Enapu. You are courting trouble by looking for other ways to pleasure yourself. When you get addicted, you will find it more satisfying and easy to go for even in the presence of your husband. Pray to God about your husband’s situation and ask that he resumes his duties as a man.

Talk to your husband

Enock Alioni. Stop ‘cheating’ and talk to your husband and if possible, convince him to see a counsellor. The more you talk to him he will pay attention. Be humble to him and do not make him feel that you are exposing his weakness openly. Everything will be fine.

Seek medical help

Violet Lumu. Encourage your husband to visit a doctor. May be he has a health issue which needs to be treated.

Tell him your needs

Immy Natukunda. You need to guide your husband and show him your points of pleasure so that it is easy for him to drive you to full satisfaction. Feel free and open up further; even if it means telling him you need erotic touches or deep kissing. Try to show him what works for you.

Show him what to do

Steven Ibula Babone. Your husband cannot read your mind; act. Show him that you are never satisfied and go an extra mile to spice up your sex life with him. Maybe one of you is the problem. Check yourself too, in terms of romance and eroticism. If he cannot do it for you, assist him to do it and never wait for him to think for you.

Work as team

Nana Helly Hellen. Some of us are not satisfied either but I am still in the relationship. Just accept your man’s inability to satisfy you and talk to him about it. Together, you can come up with ways to make it better for both of you.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation