He has stopped sharing the gizzard

Dear Atwiine,

This sounds like a ritual between you and your husband and I can imagine the feeling when this suddenly stops.

It is true that rituals are an essential part of a loving relationship and are necessary to keep a relationship going. These can be patterns of behaviours performed consistently in a particular way.

In your case sharing a gizzard is an item that you look forward to not just for the love of the gizzard but the connection it creates between you and your husband.

Communication is a powerful tool in a relationship.

Rehearse, talk

Make use of questions that allow for conversation say for example, “I am feeling as if something has changed in our marriage and I would like to hear your thoughts” or “I have noticed….” (Tell him the behaviour………..) , and hearing what you have to say will put a lot at rest.

Use I statements as much as possible instead of starting with ‘you’ as this creates defensive answers in the listener.

You can first write down what you intend to say or even rehearse as this will enable you to deal with any negative feelings that might come along.

Without interruption, listen non-judgmentally, your partner might not have intended to hurt you or not even aware how much sharing of a gizzard means to you. Let him know how you treasure the moment and not just the gizzard.

It is also important to know that people change and so do even the most ideal relationships. You might experience frustration and anger or even develop the urge to try to change your partner or push them to do what you want. 

These strategies will only cause resentment instead. It would be best to empower yourself to take care of your own needs and decide if you have to raise dust over something that has suddenly stopped and you have known details why.

In simple terms choose your battles wisely.  Many individuals today expect a partner to fulfil all their needs. They expect a partner to be a companion, a protector, a lover and even share the same hobbies and interests if possible.

Supposing this does not happen?

Or for this case supposing your boyfriend refuses to share the gizzard again?

It is necessary in this case to know that you have no control about how the other person decides to behave or treat you, but you have power over your reaction.

If not sharing a gizzard will not kill you, invest your energies in something else such as reading a nice book, cooking a nice meal or anything that makes you happy in order to distract your mind from thinking hard about the sudden change in your partner not sharing the gizzard.

Look out for support

You can also benefit from your support systems such as friends, social networks that help to lift your mood.

If you try all the above and still fail to get better, then visit a therapist to help you do a deeper introspection and learn if you are not just distracted by self-defeating behaviours.

Most people enter into a long-term relationship expecting their partners to fulfill all of their needs.  They may expect a partner to be a companion, a protector, a lover, an intellectual peer, and/or to share the same hobbies and interests.

But what if your partner cannot fulfill all of these wants?

My suggestion is to find new channels to satisfy yourself and create a more meaningful and fulfilling life, with or without the other person.

You can join a gym, read an interesting book or a movie club, take a class, build friendships, and so on. By diversifying your interests and social circles, you may find multiple ways to be fulfilled. Indirectly, you are likely to feel less frustrated with your partner as you reduce your reliance on them.

Expectations.

Many individuals today expect a partner to fulfil all their needs. They expect a partner to be a companion, a protector, a lover and even share the same hobbies and interests if possible. Supposing this does not happen? Or for this case supposing your boyfriend refuses to share the gizzard again? It is necessary in this case to know that you have no control about how the other person decides to behave or treat you, but you have power over your reaction.

Talk to him

Esther Ariho

Just talk to him about it. Sometimes it may be because there are some things on his mind and not a woman and then for you, you go ahead and start assuming the worst.

If he is your friend, talk to him passively about why he does not share it anymore.

You are being petty

Emma Khaukha

I think I have been raised right. I have learnt not to attach certain things to marriage because our partners are raised different.

I actually would not mind my woman not kneeling for me.

I do not want to be petty to such levels.

Gizzards are meant for men

Zabroh Braun

Someone could have enlighted him about our African culture.

The gizzard is meant for the man. It is a taboo for a woman to even think of tasting it. You are lucky he is saving you from bad omen.

You are very lucky

Kayaso Wani

You are a lucky wife to even have shared some gizzards, otherwise I am told women do not eat chicken at all

Serve yourself before him

Alex Kasibante

Serve yourself the gizzard. Eat half and pass on the half on the fork to him, the same way he used to do it. Sometimes you need to raise the lenses each time you lose focus.

You do not know your boundaries

Freddie Rukundo

What woman is concerned with a tradition she grew up knowing? May be he has realised you do not know your boundaries as a wife.

Engage your man

Esther Norah Kwagala

Just cook the chicken without the gizzard, when he asks you tell him you need to talk about that same issue.  I believe when you talk to him you will know why he stopped sharing. He could have spoken to fellow men though and they told him that thing is eaten by only men because they are the heads of the family.  Good luck.

Buy gizzards in bulk

Patience Natie Nampa

This is really funny. Just a mere gizzard and you are crying. What will it be when it gets to serious stuff? If you need gizzard, there are always plenty on the market being sold.  Buy those in kilogrames and get to prepare at home but otherwise if you feel there’s cause for alarm, then talk to your man about it.

Communication is always key in relationships

What is the gizzard’s importance?

Rogers Welle Mudde

This practice in common among the Bantu tribes (the gizzard is for the head of the home or is for the most important visitor that day).

I happen to be one but have never seen the importance of the gizzard on my plate on a chicken day.

Whereas they call it a practice of respect, I personally do not see it special in any way. The other one is being given the (back) of the chicken I do not like it because it has more bone than flesh.

Evelyn is a Counseling Psychologist with Sermotherapy Counseling Foundation