I have been separated from my ex for about six years now. We dated while in high school but it didn’t last long because I was young, dumb, and immature and ended up cheating on him. Over the years I felt guilty and reached out to him many times and just got played. But sadly, recently I slept with him a few times but I had to call things off after he disrespected me. Still I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel like at times my soul is tied to him. I know he doesn’t care or even respect me. How do I move on from him?
Jenny
Dear Jenny
It is normal to feel these connections with your ex, and this is because you shared special moments. When you relate with someone for some time, there is an attachment that happens, and you still feel emotionally connected to them. You indeed had issues in the past, and as a young person, mistakes did happen. It is important to accept that it happened in the past, forgive yourself, and move on.
The foundation of the relationship is also questionable as it seems to be more physical than emotional. Sex does not guarantee the strength of a relationship; it is a combination of many other factors such as the conversations that enable you to learn more about the person you are dating.
Draw lessons from your experience. This will enable you to avoid a similar scenario next time. This does not mean to self-blame but will enable you to understand and move on.
Evaluate this relationship. Write down what you think you liked and what you did not like. This will enable you be realistic to yourself if this is a relationship you will miss.
Practice self-care, especially in activities that please you such as exercise, music, hobbies or vacation. Rejuvenating your mind and board goes a long way in helping you to think critically and analyze issues.
Moving on completely would be easier if you cut off contact, especially through social media. If you keep texting your ex, it will be an easy way of getting back to the same place.
Seek support from a therapist. Who will give you a good avenue to explore more about relationships? The good news is you can learn new relationship skills and unlearn unhelpful ones.
Healing takes time and, therefore, remembering to celebrate small achievements will help a lot along the way.
Getting over an ex-boyfriend and moving on may involve identifying your emotions and giving yourself time and space to experience them.
Dr Kim Maertz of the University of Alberta published a paper suggesting that experiencing the spectrum of emotions after a breakup allows those feelings to decrease over time, facilitating faster recovery and grief processing.
Part of getting over an ex and moving on may be examining why the relationship ended and learning from it. Breakups often hurt, but when relationships end they might bring positive changes to your life if you learn from past mistakes and grow.
Examine how you reacted to conflict in the relationship and look for areas where you can improve to be a better partner.
A network of supportive people could help you get through a difficult breakup and move on with your life. From a trusted therapist to a relationship coach to your close friends and family, lean on the people you care about and let them help you. Connecting with other people could make you feel less alone, particularly if you and your ex made many mutual friends who aren’t around as much now.
Readers Advice
Delete his contacts
Phoebe Miriam.
Going back and forth will not help you get back with that man. He does not love you and he is just taking advantage of your obsession with him to use you. Moving on is a deliberate effort to rid yourself of your past. Delete his number, block him on all social media platforms and blacklist his numbers. If possible, relocate so you can start afresh. The foundation of the relationship is also questionable as it seems to be more physical than emotional. Sex does not guarantee the strength of a relationship, it is a combination of many other factors such as the conversations that enable you to learn more about the person you are dating.
He is not interested
Mara Jimmy Wester.
You felt guilty and reached out to him many times. That tells me that the man is not interested in the relationship anymore. He has moved on. Besides, six years is enough for you to be settled somewhere. Do not tell me you have been thinking about him for all that period. The disrespect he showed is a non-verbal cue for you to decipher. He has communicated it to you; he does not need you anymore. Evaluate this relationship. Write down what you think you liked and what you did not like. This will enable you be realistic to yourself if this is a relationship you will miss.
Love should not hurt
Nasha Jane Tama.
You are giving reason for your ex-boyfriend to disrespect and hurt you. Move on. Besides love is not pain and hurt. If it starts to hurt, then move on.Moving on completely would be easier if you cut off contact, especially through social media. If you keep texting your ex, it will be an easy way of getting back to the same place.
You are guilty
Lydia Nyanzi.
You are only feeling guilty. It is not easy to hurt those you care for. Somehow you feel there is nothing you can do to correct your mistake and it is easy to confuse guilt and desire for redemption with love.
Develop yourself
Steven Mafabi.
I had the same problem but I assured myself that I would not be that cheap to follow a woman I saw six years back because love escaped through the ventilator after one year of separation. Please wake up and work for the toughest stage in life; retirement.
Delete his name
Mecky Atoo.
Just avoid making or receiving his phone calls or texts, blacklist and delete his name from your phone. With time, and without any communication with him, you will forget all about him.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
