I have been in love with this girl for two years. However, her family has stopped her from making our relationship official because I am already married. Her sisters have told her I will always go back to the mother of my children and advised her to end the relationship. From the start of our relationship, I told her I was married but she decided to love me anyway. I cannot live without her. What should I do?
Grant
Dear Grant,
This sounds complex and might require careful consideration. Marriage is a decision that starts with two people but will later involve both partners’ family and friends. The families too hold certain values high and this is what influences what is acceptable and what might be unacceptable. Here are a few suggestions that could help you:
Try to understand the problem from the perspective of her family’s concerns. It looks like her family worries about her happiness and security. Are you able to address their concerns? Are you prepared for the potential challenges of a blended family? Pondering upon such questions enables you to think beyond only what you are concerned about.
What could be the strength of your new relationship? Living together for two years is no small feat, but is the relationship built on a strong foundation? Have you discussed how you will navigate issues such as jealousy, finances, and step-parenting? It is important to plan for such likely issues.
Seek marriage counselling. A trained marriage and family therapist can help you navigate these complex emotions and decisions. They can also help with communication between you and your current partner.
Read self-help books or find resources that talk about second marriages. Remember the decision rests with you. But making an informed choice requires open communication with all parties involved, including your current wife and your children (if any).
Trust in your first marriage. Your future second wife is, hopefully, aware of the presence of a first wife. Unless you had a very open and frank conversation about your plans for multiple wives when you were about to get married to your first wife, your first wife married you expecting to remain the only wife. It is not an unreasonable expectation to hold.
When you bring up the topic of a second wife, you are destroying your first wife’s expectations of her marriage to you. She was not expecting her life to change in this way. Her trust in you will be deeply eroded.
Also, think carefully of all the commitments and responsibilities that you already have. Do you have enough time for work and both families without your well-being suffering? How do you feel about the thought of your time with your friends needing to be cut down significantly? You may not have time for your own interests or hobbies. Can you manage that?
READER ADVICE
Go back to your wife
Ashadu Atayi. I am sure when you were still dating your wife you said the same things; “I cannot live without you.” Mr, go back to your wife and sort things out. Look at the corners that are dragging you out and fix them. Getting introduced by another woman will not solve any of your problems.
You are disrespectful
Brian Mugume. Did you say you are married? How do you define love then? You cannot tell us you are married but in the same breath say you love another woman and cannot live without her. You are being very disrespectful, not only to your wife but to all women.
You must have one wife
Bella K Garner. Biblically, it is lust, doubt in God, and discontent that drives one to marry more than one partner. It is never out of love. Even the Biblical Abraham married again after his wife Sarah had died. The Bible says; “Man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife.” It does not say wives.
Do you love your wife?
Mastulah Mugenyi. Her family is right. If you leave the mother of your children for her, what assurance is there that you will not leave her for another woman? Besides, why did you marry your wife, if you do not love her?
One man, one woman
Meddy Mugisha. For how long shall we live in the 18th Century? This is the 21st Century; one man, one woman. There are a lot of single men out there still looking for a good woman to marry. You already have a wife and should, therefore, leave this one alone. Have some respect for the mother of your children.
Talk to your wife
Fred Leekuson. How many times did you sleep with her? What is unique about her that your wife does not have? Talk openly to your wife about what you need her to improve or else you are welcoming more trouble. When something is not working in your marriage, getting or marrying another woman is never the solution. Be contented with what you have.
Control your feelings
Shareef Samaha. When you married your wife, were you not in love? If you marry this woman, won’t you fall in love with another and then another after that? Get hold of your feelings and settle down. You can always fall in love with your wife again and again.
Focus on you wife
Margaret Enyonam Yekple. You cannot live without her? Just reset your mind and focus on your wife. can you really stand having two wives and the drama that comes with it?
Divorce then marry
Jane Mukisa. Why is it so easy for men to disrespect the women they have vowed to love and respect? Why would a married man admit publically that he wants to marry another wife? My advice to you is too work things out with your wife and if you cannot, divorce her and marry again.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
