Is micro-cheating that bad?

Cheating is often considered the ultimate betrayal in romantic relationships. However, beyond the physical affairs and obvious breaches of trust lies another form of unfaithfulness; micro-cheating.

While it may not involve a complete affair, micro-cheating can still cause cracks in a relationship.

“At first, I did not think anything of it when my girlfriend kept chatting with her ex on WhatsApp. Although she told me it was innocent, I was uncomfortable with it. Gladly, after a discussion, she agreed to limit their conversations,” says Michael Mugambi, a 28-year-old from Mbarara City in western Uganda.

With more Ugandans using social media and digital communication tools, micro-cheating has become easier to engage in, but harder to detect.

Henry Wandera, a counsellor, defines micro-cheating as small, seemingly harmless actions that may indicate a partner’s emotional or romantic interest in someone outside of their relationship.

These actions often show signs of infidelity but do not involve actual physical cheating.

Examples include constantly texting someone in secret, flirting on social media, or spending time with someone you are emotionally attached to without your partner’s knowledge.

“My boyfriend suddenly started hiding his phone and changing his WhatsApp status privacy so I could not see certain updates. I later found out he was messaging his colleague in a way that crossed boundaries,” says Sarah Kirabo, a 26-year-old nurse in Kampala.

Wandera notes that flirting, even “innocently” is one of the most common forms of micro-cheating. Even if it does not lead to anything physical, engaging in flirtatious conversations with someone outside the relationship can still damage trust.

Emotional attachment

James Taremwa, a 31-year-old from Rubaga, Kampala, explains: “I was used to making playful comments to my female colleagues, especially online. I did not think it was an issue, but my wife pointed out that those interactions made her uncomfortable. I realised that even harmless flirting can affect our relationship, so I stopped.”

Esther Karungi, a 34-year-old teacher from Kasubi, reflects: “My husband would come home and immediately start texting his female friend. It was not romantic, but I could feel he was emotionally connected to her. That emotional investment should have been in our marriage.”

Spending emotional energy on someone else, even if it is just through conversations or interactions online, can also be considered micro-cheating. Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones in many cases.

Signs

Even though recognising micro-cheating can be difficult because it is often subtle, Wandera says there are indicators that you or your partner may be engaging in micro-cheating:

Increased secrecy: If your partner suddenly becomes more secretive with their phone or social media, it might raise red flags.

While privacy is important, secrecy could indicate that they are engaging in behaviours they know would upset you.

Disguised behaviour: If your partner hides their phone when a certain person texts or uses codes to save someone’s number to avoid being caught, this may be a sign.

Similarly, avoiding mentioning interactions with someone, even though these interactions seem innocent, can raise suspicions.

Unwarranted defensiveness: If your partner gets overly defensive when you ask about a friend or colleague they interact with regularly, this could be a red flag.

They might be engaging in behaviours they know are questionable but do not want to admit.

Impact of micro-cheating

Micro-cheating, while not as blatant as physical cheating, can still have devastating effects on a relationship.

In relationships, where loyalty and trust are valued, small betrayals can feel as significant as larger ones.

Joseph Taremwa, a 40-year-old business owner from Bukoto, Kampala shares: “For me, loyalty is everything. If you are engaging with someone else in a way that disrespects your partner, it is cheating. That is why my wife and I have clear boundaries about what is acceptable in our relationship.”

In relationships where traditional values of trust are often held in high regard, couples are particularly sensitive to any form of betrayal.

Even in urban areas where relationships tend to be more liberal, micro-cheating can create a sense of distrust.

Wandera talks about how social media complicates relationships: “With Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp, it is easy to stay connected to people you are attracted to, even if you are in a committed relationship. But I think it is important to remember that your partner might feel hurt if they see you giving too much attention to someone else.”

Though some may argue that micro-cheating is harmless, it often plants the seeds of doubt and insecurity in a relationship. Over time, this can erode trust, leading to bigger issues.

“It weakens trust yet it is the foundation of any relationship. When one partner engages in micro-cheating, it can slowly erode that trust, even if no physical cheating occurs,” Wandela observes.

It also creates emotional distance when one partner focuses their emotional energy on someone outside of the relationship, creating an emotional gap.

This emotional distance can lead to feelings of neglect or isolation for the other partner.

 “It may lead to physical infidelity. What starts as micro-cheating can mount into a physical affair if boundaries are not established early on. This is especially concerning when proximity to others, such as work colleagues is a factor,” Wandera adds.

Dealing with micro-cheating

Wandera says if both partners are willing to communicate openly and establish clear boundaries, micro-cheating can be resolved.

“It is essential to have honest conversations about what makes you uncomfortable in the relationship. Define what behaviours cross the line for both partners and ensure you are on the same page,” he says.

“Your partner may not see certain actions as harmful. They might view them as innocent interactions. For instance, a man who spends extra time chatting with a female colleague may not recognise it as an issue unless it is discussed openly,” he adds.

Being transparent with your partner can help avoid misunderstandings.

Share your concerns and be willing to make adjustments if your partner feels uncomfortable with certain behaviours.

TRANSPARENCY

Building transparency is key to maintaining trust. Sharing passwords, talking about interactions with friends of the opposite sex, or being clear about your intentions with certain people can help keep the relationship open and honest. While in some relationships, this might seem like giving up some personal freedom, it shows commitment.

Henry Wandera, a counsellor, says limiting risky situations such as avoiding interactions with someone who poses a threat to your relationship is crucial. This might mean limiting the amount of time spent with an ex or stopping a flirtatious friendship. If micro-cheating has caused significant damage to your relationship, Wandera advises seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor.