Let us learn to recognise red flags
What you need to know:
If you notice double standards or if rules apply to only you, then that is not a relationship
Relationships, whether between states, corporations or individuals are based on mutual interest, honesty, trust and respect. If for any reason any of the above is lacking or it benefits one party over the other, then that relationship will forever be in discord. Every one has something worthwhile to give in a relationship and that is why you appealed to your partner. Forget about the disparity in age, income or social status, by the time someone expresses their interest in you, it means there is something valuable only you can give to them.
Many young women sometimes give up their power thinking their partners are doing them a favour, forgetting that their partners must have seen something special in them. The same sentiment goes for developing nations that are often forced to give up their beliefs in order to continue receiving donations. And this is where the tragedy begins. Finding ourselves in such a marginalised position means our sovereignty can be easily usurped by whoever holds the purse strings. And this should be the first red flag; if you are in a relationship where the other party holds more power over you, has no respect for your beliefs or feelings, chances are, it is not going anywhere.
Another red flag is lack of honesty. In Runyakitara folklore, there is a character known as Ishe-Katabazi whose shenanigans used to hold us spellbound for hours in the evenings. In one such story, the wily character wanted to slaughter his bull and the norms of society dictated that he shares his meat with all his neighbours. To get out of this requirement, Ishe-Katabazi hatched a plot. One morning, he called his son Katabazi and sent him to different homes with ridiculous and unreasonable requests.
He asked one man to lend him his best suit so he could dig a trench while wearing it. From another, he asked if he could borrow his axe so he could smash stones with it. From the parish chief, he asked if he could borrow his wife’s kitambi to mop his kraal with. Soon, the whole village was consumed by Ishe-Katabazi’s requests. For days, he wandered around the village acting sore and calling everyone a fake friend. It was only days later, when everyone started smelling the aroma from Ishe -Katabazi’s barbecue, that people realised he had thought to aggravate them so that he would have a reason not to share his meat.
I could not help but recall this story when the World Bank decided to cut aid to Uganda. Although I know their actions are ultimately meant to help us, it still feels heavy-handed. Without their donations, it means the government has a plausible excuse for not paying me my already paltry salary as a teacher. I cannot help but feel as if we are being treated as that illegitimate love child one is forced to cater for but they are really not that interested in their welfare. They will always be the first to feel the sting of any change in fortunes and they must be on their best behaviour because it is easy for the benefactor to end the relationship.
This is the reason the Romans often cautioned against befriending people who are not your equals. Not only will they have you dancing to their tune, they will also take away the little you have and leave you an empty shell. In a mutually beneficial relationship, it is important that all parties are empowered because one’s success is success for all. If you notice double standards or if rules apply to only you, then that is not a relationship. You are either a puppet or a plaything that will be shoved aside once your master realises you are more trouble than you are worth.
The reality is there will always be disagreements in every relationship but that does not mean you pack up your bags and go. A partner who wants to make things work will be willing to reach a compromise and commit to not just preserving the status but to finding solutions that will make the relationship more rewarding for everyone involved.
