Many think I bewitched my husband

My husband is a pastor who has very strong family values. Although we have been married for close to 20 years, he still buys me flowers every Monday and takes me out to dinner every Friday. I have heard rumours of women that have tried to tempt him into relationships but have failed. Many ladies ask me what I “cooked” for him. Because of its undertones of witchcraft, I consider this question rude and disrespectful. How should I answer without offending them? 

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Congratulations on keeping your marriage flame burning even after 20 years. Good marriages do not happen by accident. It takes hard work and being intentional about doing things that attracted you to each other in the first place. Such things should not end in the honeymoon phase, but should continue even after many years of being together.

It seems that your husband has over the years taken time to learn your love language which has made your marriage successful and admirable. At times, marriage is like a business; when we stop doing things that maintain customer satisfaction, then the business starts to decline.

At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever, and that is what defines healthy marriages.

Marriage is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.

This happens to marriage as well, especially if after some time, a couple stops doing the things that once made them love one another. This in the end leads to boredom and an I do not care attitude when it comes to makin g their partner happy. Since marriage needs effort from both partners, some people find this tasking.

 Only by choice, do you decide to tell other women the secret that keeps your marriage blossoming, although it is not a must. However, using your position of leadership in the church, you can decide to teach the women some of the secrets to a lasting relationship.    However, mentoring is different from revealing too much information about what makes your marriage good.

Teach them to learn what makes their partners happy and capitalise on that to make their marriages better or as good as yours. This may not necessitate you to feel pressured to share your particular love language with other people but instead, only say what you feel comfortable talking about.

Always remind yourself that other people’s negativity is not about you. It is a reflection of something that is going on inside their mind and emotional system, and it is being projected around you or toward you.

Too often we get tangled up in other people’s negativity because our egos take it personally and react to their behaviour or words. Rather, keep accurate perspective that someone who is being negative is just a fellow human being going through pain. It is not about you.

Therefore, when the negativity starts, try to steer the conversation back to a positive tone. If you can’t turn it to a positive tone, excuse yourself from the conversation before you start to feel negativity flooding your mental state.

Reader advice

Do not explain yourself

Joan Martha. You do not have to explain anything to anyone. Let them criticise who they think you are. People are afraid of what they do not understand and they cannot destroy what they have no clue about. The day they decipher your marriage and get to know what goes on behind your closed doors, it will be the end of your happiness.  Keep them guessing.

It has been Jesus

Martin Ssebyala. The answer is simple. Tell them it has been Jesus from day one and all through. To find a true partner, find Jesus first. Jesus is love and a right partner should love Him.

Shut the noise out

Sera Busingye. True love still exists. God knows how to find good husbands for good women. Continue praying that your husband does not change and the rest does not matter. It is between the two of you.

Teach them right way

Jimmy Wester. Enjoy your marriage and may God continue blessing the two of you. I pray you become a teacher to the uncultured women out there. Show them what it means to be a good wife. And to the man of God, thank you for loving your wife as Christ loves the church. When Christ is at the centre of a marriage, things flow supernaturally. God bless you.

Continue doing right

Flaviah Adong Nuwagaba. When a man loves you right, envious people who wish the same for themselves call it witchcraft. The witchcraft is in loving him back even more. You are obviously doing something right. Continue doing the same.

Keep them guessing

Hilda Kahunde Abwooli. Women should understand that men are groomed differently. They have different ways of doing things and different characters. Some put a lot of value on things others take for granted. Some have true love while others do not even understand what it means to genuinely love someone. Just keep quiet, sit back and enjoy this lovely husband that God gave you.

God men exist

Leonardo Dos Santos. The way I love my wife, some people think I was bewitched, which is not true. All it takes is understanding each other, trust, and believing in your partner.

True love always wins

Jacob Kwesiga Gatasha. Many think I was bewitched by my wife which is not the case. It is not witchcraft but real love and God’s abundant joy that flows in us. Our women deserve it all.

They are asking for help

Paul Kirabo. Do not worry about offending them. They did not worry about you either. No need to be psychological about what to tell them. I think most of these women look up to you and are just looking for advice on how to make their own marriages work. “What did you cook” is definitely a figure of speech that you might be taking literally.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation