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My husband gets turned on by porn but I dislike it
What you need to know:
- Share how this habit contrasts with your Christian values and the ideal of intimacy as a sacred, spiritual bond. You might explain that you want your physical closeness to reflect the emotional and spiritual unity in marriage and that pornography can feel like an obstacle to that connection.
My husband of five years loves to watch porn but I dislike it. He always pushes me to watch it before we initiate sexual intercourse and honestly, it does not get me turned on. In fact, as a Christian, it just makes me sick to my stomach. I have not been able to tell him how this affects me because I do not want him to feel embarrassed about it. I want to approach the topic safely. What should I do? Anonymous.
When navigating such a sensitive situation, especially for a Christian woman, it is crucial to approach this with compassion, patience, and wisdom. Balancing your values and your relationship can indeed be challenging, but it is possible to address these concerns in a way that strengthens your marriage.
Start by strengthening your faith and mental health. This situation can be emotionally taxing, and it is essential to attend to your well-being. Spend time in prayer, reflect on scripture, and seek God's guidance to find strength and peace. Practices such as journaling, meditation, and quiet moments of reflection can also help with emotional regulation.
Choose the right time and tone. Find a calm, private moment to bring up your feelings. Avoid addressing this during or after heated moments, as this can lead to misunderstandings and defensiveness. Expressing yourself with kindness and patience will create a space for open, honest communication.
Frame your feelings in a way that shows vulnerability rather than blame. For instance, you might say, “I feel uncomfortable when intimacy involves watching porn,” or “It makes me feel distant from the spiritual and emotional connection I value.” By focusing on how this affects you, it allows your husband to understand your perspective without feeling accused.
Explain your values and the impact on intimacy. Share how this habit contrasts with your Christian values and the ideal of intimacy as a sacred, spiritual bond. You might explain that you want your physical closeness to reflect the emotional and spiritual unity in marriage and that pornography can feel like an obstacle to that connection.
Ask your husband about his perspective, gently exploring why he feels drawn to pornography before intimacy. This can help you understand whether this is a habit, an escape, or a deeper issue that he might be struggling with. By approaching this with compassion and a non-judgmental attitude, you are more likely to foster trust and honest conversation.
Consider healthy compromises together. If intimacy has become strained, work together to find alternative ways to connect. You might explore other forms of closeness, like talking about fantasies within the context of your faith, experimenting with new ways of expressing affection or focusing on what makes each of you feel loved and desired.
Seek professional and spiritual support if needed. If this issue leads to ongoing conflict, consider seeking help from a relationship therapist, preferably one who respects your Christian beliefs. Many therapists can offer guidance on healthy communication, while faith-based counsellors can help navigate this issue within the framework of your values.
Remember that marriage is a journey, and every relationship faces challenges. With prayer, patience, and a commitment to understanding each other’s needs, you can work together to find a path that honours both your faith and your relationship.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
