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My husband spends time with his friends
What you need to know:
- Financial independence will enable you to make an informed decision in your relationship.
- Find time to also make up with your parents even if you do not have to stay with them but just knowing that they have your back will help you feel supported. I still recommend that you seek professional counseling for you and your husband to get more person-tailored therapy.
We have been married for three years. In the start, I realised that he is a drunkard who leaves home very early and returns very late while drunk. He puts his friends ahead of our marriage. He even invited another couple to join us on our honeymoon. Since I do not work, I begged him to start a business for me but instead, he started it and employed one of his friends. I am the last to know about any events in his life and when I ask for some time, I am ignored. I want to leave him but have nowhere to go since my family was against the marriage in the first place. What should I do? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Sorry about what you are going through in your marriage. It is sometimes not easy to forecast that someone you are so much in love with will soon turn your life around. Ideally, a marriage is where one should feel safe and loved. It is supposed to be a safe haven if all things work well.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that all the time. For some people, marriage is a haven especially if they have fewer differences in their values and principles of life.
It is not usually possible to change another person’s behaviour especially if they are not aware that they have a problem. To begin with, understand that the drinking issue is a sign of other underlying issues that your husband might be silently treating or struggling with. Notice the few times he is sober and engage him in a non-confrontational discussion around the issue.
Be open and let him know how you feel about his drinking.
Suggest to him that you both meet a professional counsellor to get family therapy and also assess how deep his drinking issue is and recommend the right treatment.
Remember he might not agree to everything but at least you can initiate the talk to seek external support. It is also essential to know that this is his problem but it is affecting the entire family.
Your husband’s behaviour of putting other people before you could be a sign that he has other struggles of wanting to be a people pleaser or he did not get an opportunity to watch how two married adults in love treated one another. Some of these behaviours are associated with people growing up in a dysfunctional family where probably violence and heavy drinking existed and children witnessed it.
Talking about these issues with him while he is sober can enable you to tell him how you feel about his behaviour of putting you last.
You also mentioned that you are not employed and you fear leaving because you have nowhere to go as your parents did not agree with your union.
Self-improvement should be at the forefront of all you do as looking at your husband as a sole provider more so given the fact that he struggles with self-defeating behaviours cannot be a sustainable solution. It is unhealthy to stay in a toxic relationship just for upkeep. It is important to have the right reasons for being married.
Lower expectations of your husband being responsible for getting you a job and instead you can use this time to learn a skill that can accord you one.
Evelyn Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist
Reader advice
Let him know how you feel
David Nakabaale. The first step to resolving this problem is understanding how you feel. Was your husband spending more time with friends than you before you were married?
Are you being fair or do you have issues with trust? Next, tell your spouse how you feel. Let him know that you would like to spend more alone time with him. Explain that while you respect his need to spend time with his friends, you want to devote time to your relationship.
Be sensitive to his needs
Jane Nsokwa. Be open and sensitive to your spouse’s need for friends. He may not be trying to get away from you if he spends a lot of time with friends.
He may be trying to prove to himself that he can balance all of his relationships. Ultimately, discuss the matter together and come up with a solution as a couple. Refrain from speaking badly of your husband’s friends because this might cause a bigger rift.
Apologise to your parents
Moses Earthe. I am sorry you have to go through this. However, let me say this to all young people looking for marriage. What an elder sees while seated, a child cannot see even though they climb the tallest tree.
If your parents reject your marriage partner, please do not go ahead. I suggest you go and apologise to your parents and I believe they will accept you back.
Get financial independent
Noeline Nakakande. Be creative. Start something that will help you earn some money so that you become relevant to him. When you become financially independent, he will see that you can survive without him and this will bring him back to you.
Cope with him
Moses Mwesigwa. You should learn how to deal with addicts. The more you rebuke them, the more rebellious they become.
The only way to win them over is by getting closer to them and helping them overcome their addiction. I know of an alcoholic who was always in denial until his wife decided to start buying the alcohol for him.
He later realised what he was doing and decided to seek professional assistance.
Talk to him
Liz Musoke. No one deserves to be this miserable in a marriage. Your husband is supposed to be your best friend and your go to person when facing challenges like you are now.
If he is not helping you or listening to you then he has failed in his duties as a husband. Please try talking to him and if all fails, seek professional help. Divorce should be a last course of action.
