My wife is very jealous

My wife and I have been married for two years. We have one child. The issue is she is very jealous. She does not want me to talk to any woman. She even monitors my calls and if she finds that a woman called me, she accuses me of cheating and threatens to leave me. Six months ago, she found out that I had been chatting with a female cousin whom she did not know. She refused to buy my explanation and attempted to fight me and I slapped her. Since that day, she does not serve food, wash my clothes or give me water to bathe. Does that mean she is still angry with me? What can I do?

Exodus

Dear Exodus,

Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat, it can be real or imagined; to a valued relationship. The jealous partner fears that an outsider is trying to win the affection of their loved one.

Along with jealousy, an insecure partner may also feel angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed, which is why jealousy can be dangerous. When feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it can work as a reminder to couples not to take each other for granted. Jealousy also can motivate couples to appreciate one another and make a conscious effort to make sure their partner feels valued.

Your partner could be having such feelings of insecurity and therefore, searching the phone is only the symptom of an underlying issue. For example, could she be feeling insecure because you are not spending much time together as a couple? Or, does the relationship have trust issues? You need to ask questions.

Irrational and excessive jealousy can eventually destroy a relationship. Learn how to deal with jealousy and insecurities in your relationship so you can overcome this emotion and strengthen your partnership

Try to understand where the jealousy is coming from and what can be done to lessen it. Understand your wife from her own perspective. The more you talk about the issue, the better. The key is that you discuss the issues calmly and come up with solutions together.

Remember you might try all the above but your wife still remains jealous. It is much easier for you, as an individual, to change so that the other person is challenged to seek support or to let go of a nagging behaviour. Trying so hard by hitting or slapping, even yelling will only make things worse.

A third party such as a professional relationship or marriage counsellor can be of help. As a couple, you might need to take another step of meeting someone you do not know and give you a non-judgmental avenue to discuss what is hurting your marriage.

Reader advice

Learn to do house chores

Bryan Wilson.

Learn to do house chores yourself or get a housemaid plus never lay your hands on a woman again or you will end up in jail.

Be real with yourself

Melvin Nasasira.

It seems you are not honest about the circumstances surrounding your problem? You can lie to us but you know you can never lie to yourself. Go confess and repent of your sins to God and your wife. She  still loves her family that is why she is still with you. Try your luck. You are not late for redemption.

Apologise anyway

Anthony Onzima Adkinz Ryan.

Apologising does not mean you are wrong and she is right. It means you value your marriage more than your ego. Give her space and play cool and gentle. Swallow your pride and cook food and observe yourself and your wife. Wash your clothes and wash hers. Draw your bath water and hers. Because if you do not redeem your marriage, she may end up cheating on you as retribution.

Try and win her again

Patience Natie Nampa.

Maybe there could be something dishonest you did to her in the past that makes her behave the way she does. All you need to do is to try and win all her trust then her jealousy will reduce. Try to be the best you can be in actions.

Step off your high horse

Jeremiah Montellar Taata Nabumba.

Start doing the chores yourself instead of complaining. That way you will end up winning her over.

Work together

Mary Kisa.

Jealousy is often linked with trust issues and is something that both of you will have to work on to get under control in order to have a strong and flourishing future.

Let go of your ego

Julius Mugerwa.

You need to swallow your ego and sort this issue. That is because when jealousy gets out of hand, it can not only cause some heated arguments, it can chip away at your self-confidence and affect your mental health.

Pride will be your death

Amos Walakira.

Put pride out of the way and save your marriage. That is because jealousy comes from a place of fear and lack of self-worth, and by listening to your spouse and encouraging her to talk through their feelings, you are more likely to find the real heart of the issue.

Become her friend

Amy Kasule.

Jealousy can often be traced back to a hurtful experience in someone’s past and be a defense mechanism to try to prevent themselves from being in the same difficult position again. As such, try and become your wife’s friend. That way, you will find out that her past is still influencing her. It takes time but it is worth every effort and time.

Check her past

Jackie Kironde.

Your wife might have been cheated on in a past relationship, causing her to jump to the worst conclusion about where your loyalties lie.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist