No woman has ever shown interest in me

I turned 30 this year. I am ready to date and probably settle down and start a family. But every girl I approach does not seem to be interested in me. Even those who accept to go out with me, decline to show up for a second date. Yet I see many of my friends have it easy dating girls. Even when a relationship ends, before long, they have a new catch. Does my personality put off women this much that they would rather stay away from me? What can I do to change this?

David

Dear Anonymous,

To be loved and to love is one of the highest needs of a human being. Right from childhood, this need is demonstrated and the priorities keep changing as one matures into an adult.

However, before you look for love, it is important to first have a relationship with yourself as an individual. Do you love yourself as you are? Do you believe that you are capable of loving someone else?

 It is not possible to give what you do not have. It is also true that everyone has someone meant for them. People usually treat us according to how we present ourselves to them and relationships involve emotions, health, finance, social and spiritual factors.

 The emotional factor at this level is key to fuelling and sustaining a relationship. This is where the connection starts. Take time to look at all these areas and if you are struggling in any of them, find help.

 You can also look for a relationship expert to talk through and work with you at an individual level to help you learn new behaviours and unlearn old ones. The expert will also teach you some other skills that you could have missed out on while growing up.

Above all, work on your self-esteem as one of the major areas, feel confident about yourself before you approach a woman you are interested in.

 After getting comfortable with who you are, you can then go-ahead to date with an open mind of either finding the right person who will accept you as you are or knowing that sometimes it may not work out as you wished. When a woman rejects you, it is important to feel bad about it but later move on knowing that this is normal and part of dating.

One of the best ways to get over heartbreak and rejection is to surround yourself with friends. Whether you go to a movie, get food, go out for a drink, or just hang out at home, it is important to be with friends when you are feeling low.

Let your friends know you are going through a rough patch, and ask them if they are free to spend some time together. Some friends will make the effort to reach out to you, but other friends may need to be invited. If your friends do not immediately reach out to you, try approaching them and let them know that you could really use some company.

Writing down your thoughts might also help. Some people may assume that keeping a journal will not help, but studies have shown that journalling can help people put their thoughts into perspective and remain positive.

 Invest in a new, high-quality journal. This will ensure that the journal will stand up to any abuse from daily use, and will make you more likely to want to use it every day.  Set aside time everyday to write in your journal. Try setting a timer to force yourself to write for longer periods of time.   

Allow yourself to experiment. Your journal is not intended to be read by anyone else, so let yourself be open and honest. Give yourself permission to think things through on the page, as you are figuring it out. In other words, it does not have to be a perfectly thought-out and well-articulated document. It can just be a jumble of thoughts, feelings, or observations

Reader advice

Examine yourself

Martin Ssebyala. It is either your personality or spirituality. It is easy to guess with personality because it is physical. Just ask a friend who knows you well and will tell you the truth. With spiritually, you need to pray and seek God. It could be generational curses and these curses can be broken through prayer.

Avoid pressure

Esther Kads. Give it time and pray for the right partner. Also, establish your intentions while dating. Remember that God has never been limited by time so do not be pressurised by your peers. It is only God who knows your future plans and I hope you know that they are good plans.

Talk to a friend

Lillinna Nam. I know how it feels to be alone and lonely and I think you need to talk to someone about this. Find a friend or family member you trust and have a word with them. Alternatively, you can seek counselling.

Take your time

Florence Nabulya. You have not yet met the right woman and when the right one comes, she will be there for you no matter what. At 30, you are still very young and there is no need to panic. Use this time to develop yourself either by succeeding in business or going back to school.

Pray for guidance

Hope Ninsiima. You need to examine your character, especially how you carry yourself around women. At the moment, having lots of money is not important. Leave the issue of money aside and pray to God to send someone that will love you genuinely.

Personal development

Jacob Kwesiga Gatasha. David, you do not need to be under pressure because of age. There are more important things to worry about such as business and personal development. Work on that and the right woman will come at the right time.

Work on your hygiene

Phoebe Miriam. David, please work on your oral and personal hygiene. Look good and smell great. Then work on your self-esteem. Before long, you will find love.

Be more confident

Joseph Kiba. Be confident in your abilities. My mother always said you will never find a mate searching for you. You must be contented with your life since women pick up on your vibes and live to analyse things deeply. While men do not put nearly as much thought into daily activities. You seem like a man who just needs to be more confident.

Your mentality matters

Justine Mukisa. It could be lack of confidence. If you have got yourself into this mentality of being rejected, women may be less interested. I also I think it is always important to remember that while you obviously want a relationship, it should not be a ‘goal.’ Just go out and meet people and be confident.

Evelyn is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation