She asked her ex to help me get a job

I have been out of a job since the pandemic when I was laid off. Somehow, my wife has been taking care of the family. My attempts to get a job have been fruitless until I recently got a call, and just like that I was employed as head of security, something out of my professional and educational background. Three weeks into the job, this man approaches me and tells me things including the birthmark on her left upper thigh. He went on to tell me that I am employed because of Jane, my wife. What does this even mean and what should I do?

Stanley

Dear Stanley,

It is only natural to feel worried, if not slightly panicked, if your partner is friends with their ex. But it is important to keep in mind that many people stay in touch after a breakup in a respectable  and perfectly platonic way.

Relationships can be filled with joy and sometimes with difficulty such as what you are going through. It is a joyful thing to be married to the one you love. However, some partners, despite being married are still tied to their former relationships.

There are many reasons people give for staying in touch with their exes. Most say the relationship with their ex is harmless and their partners should not lose sleep over it. It is possible that your wife has the same sentiments.

 In a non-confrontational way, let your wife know how you feel. Remember the information you have is from another person and not her and this complicates the situation. Get firsthand information from her, allowing her to explain her relationship with this man, and tell her what you feel about this and the change you wish to see.

Human beings have emotions and so this can provoke a behaviour amounting to jealousy. This can cause a lot of psychological pain, leading to mistrust, suspicion and loss of confidence, among others.

 It is essential to take good care of your own emotions at such a time when you are vulnerable.

I am sure you did not lose your academic papers, so you can also opt to look for another job, especially if you want to get away from this man’s negativity. Pay less attention to this man and instead, talk to your wife and together, find a way forward.

Depending on how your wife handles this, you will be able to make an informed decision. While it is obviously fine for your wife to have one-on-one time with friends, including friends who are exes, if they refuse to include you, it may be time to ask questions. Why didn’t she tell you about her conversations with the ex?

You have a right to speak up if you feel uncomfortable, left out, or worried that something might happen behind your back. In many cases, exclusive hangouts really do lead to more, and you should not have to live with that kind of stress.

 You can look for further support from a professional counsellor or even speak to your marriage mentors with the ability to give unbiased advice.

Reader advice

Trust is important

Jane Mukisa. First, let us talk about trust. Your girlfriend did not tell you about the money from the beginning, and while that does not necessarily mean the worst, it raises some red flags. Transparency is critical in a relationship, and that is especially true in tricky situations such as this one, which has all the ingredients for some serious drama if all parties involved are not honest with one another. You need to be able to trust her situation with the ex, and she should trust that she can come to you with this kind of information.

He is jealous

Desire Mwaura. It is obvious that this man still has feelings for your wife (his ex) and is not happy that she is happily married to you. In this case, it is dangerous to both you and your relationship to listen to what he says. I suggest that you look for another job as soon as possible as you also find ways to talk to your wife about ending communication with her ex. their interactions might be innocent but this man is on a mission to make it look otherwise and cause you to give up on your relationship. Do not give him the satisfaction.

Resign

Moses Earthe. Why do you think that man told you all this? He was trying to let you know that even if you married her, he can still maintain a relationship with her as well. Resign and tell your wife what he said. If you do not resign, wait for the biggest insult. If there is nothing going on between your wife and her ex, she will be able to confront him for trying to destroy your relationship.

Talk to your wife

Elas Jason. Your wife and her ex are teaming up to mock you. Being appointed head of security when you know nothing about security is questionable. I think it is best for you to resign and look for a job somewhere else. This way, you will not feel guilty about confronting your wife and getting your communication back on track.

For now, work hard

Adeola Onitolo. They say a beggar has no choice. Since you could not get a job or take care of your family, just relax and work hard. With time, you will able to make other choices such as leaving this job and maybe starting a business of your own.

He has ulterior motives

Phoebe Miriam. That man wants you to break up with your wife. Ignore that information and know that he is part of her past. In the past is exactly where he should be told to stay.

Are you over reacting?

Racheal Namuli Ramos. It means nothing. Do not read too much into his words. Do not let your pride cloud your judgement. Appreciate what she did for you and work hard to provide for your family.

Communicate

Derrick Woods. In any relationship, communication is key. Sit down with your wife and tell her what this man has told you. Depending on her reaction, you will be able to come up with a way forward.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation