She wants her mother to stay with us permanently

My father-in-law succumbed to Covid-19 in 2021. My mother-in-law has since been so lonely and sickly that I have always encouraged my wife to let her visit once in a while so that we take care of her. She would come for short visits and return to the village where I ensure we visit often and take whatever she needs. With time, I have seen her health improve. However, the other day my wife out of the blue announced that her mother was coming to live with us permanently. Despite my obvious objections, she is set in her ways and has even starting getting the guest room ready for her. Although I respect my mother-in-law, I think her living with us is a bad idea. Am I wrong??

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is quite tricky for you and I can imagine how you feel. Marriage brings two people together but they each come from separate families. Each individual values their parents in a special way due to the childhood bond. It is possible to see it as very normal to stay with their own parents and this could be one of the reasons your wife is comfortable staying with her mother.

Supporting a sick and lonely parent is ideal as this may enable her to leave at least longer. Your wife seems to be in this kind of position where she is torn between being loyal to her mother and listening to you as her husband again due to the different way she relates to you and her mother.

This is the time that your mother-in-law needs more support since she could still be grieving and also suffering from old age illnesses.

To handle this amicably, see this action from your wife’s perspective and then in a non-confrontational way discuss this all over again with her. Let her understand that you mean well but you find it difficult to leave with your mother-in-law in the same space for a long.

Our African culture affects us differently, for some, it is normal to leave with their parents in their homes while for some it is taboo. If this too applies to you and your wife, talk about it such that she can be able to understand your position.

The other way could be hiring a place that you and your wife can afford to pay for and letting your mother-in-law stay in until you and your wife find a lasting solution.

This should give you time to work this through such that in one way or another your wife feels supported. It is possible that the sickness of her mother has affected her as a person and could be that she is now preoccupied with her mother’s sickness.

Mutual understanding is what you need during such times as this. This is what can enable you to settle this amicably such that you can preserve your relationship. It is possible to pay attention to this issue and forget what is between you.

If you try all this and fail, seek professional services from a relationship counselor. This will give you a good avenue to speak about this issue in a non-judgmental environment.

Reader advice

Communication is key

Martin Ssebyala. In marriage, communication is key. You had to talk about it first. Best alternative is to get her a maid in her home. Peace is needed in your home. I am sure your wife would object it if it was your mother coming to live with you.

Let her stay at hers

Patricia Essie. Some cultures do not allow mother-in-law and son-in-law to rub shoulders, yet you being in the same house would not leave that out. Besides, doesn’t mother-in-law have a home of her own, and is she willing to abandon her own home?

She can come over

Phoebe Miriam. You are right. Your parents had their chance at marriage and starting homes which they did. Now, they are supposed to let you start your homes and raise families without interference. Let your mother-in-law live in her own home if possible so that peace can reign in your home.

Wife is taking advantage

Sarah K Frankie. My two cents, your wife is taking advantage of the situation. She should have communicated this beforehand and respected your opinion instead of assuming that you will be fine or adjust with her decision. It is a bad idea for her to move in permanently. The least you can do is make sure she has round the clock care and the needed support. Such things can easily breakdown a marriage.

Very bad idea

Esther Kads. Yeah it is a very bad idea. She may not see it now but the truth is it is not a good one. The way families are living nowadays, children are being raised, homes are being managed is the total opposite of her time and that is going to be the first problem before you know it she will be telling you people how to live in your own home plus you not having privacy in your home.

Get someone to take care of her from where she is and visit as always.

Stand your ground

Georgina Nabagereka Flav. Does she only have your wife as her only child? Why don’t you stand your ground as a man. If she has improved health-wise, why is she coming to live with you? I see your marital woes starting.

You are nolonger a man

Nyakojo Donavan Alecs. This is my own thinking. If she comes to live with you, you will not be seen as a man or making any decision as a man. Everything that comes up, she will consult her mother. Find a solution that enables your mother-in-law live in her own home.

You will become unhappy

Janet Mukisa. Do not allow it. I let my mother-in-law move in and the stress has left me so sick I can barely function. My marriage is all but over. Affection, sex, are gone. My husband is mad at me because her being there is making me unhappy. I am mad at him because he is literally going to let our marriage die rather than even discuss other ways. If my stress related sickness does not kill me, I am going to end up starting over alone with nothing. I would rather be dead.

Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa, Sermotherapy Counseling Foundation