Although it can be challenging, breaking the cycle of instant love and short-lived relationships is possible with self-awareness, patience, and support. PHOTO/UNSPLASH.COM
The idea of "love at first sight" can be enchanting, but what happens when this whirlwind experience becomes a repetitive pattern?
While falling in love is a natural and beautiful part of life, psychologists have identified a trait known as "emophilia." This term describes individuals who tend to fall in love quickly and frequently, cycling through intense romantic attachments without fully knowing their partners.
Unlike occasional, brief relationships, people with emophilia often find themselves in a loop of passionate but short-lived romances.
This tendency can be rooted in deeper emotional patterns or even the brain's reaction to chemicals, and it may resonate with many who feel societal pressures or are influenced by the portrayal of romance on social media. Recognising the hidden traps of “instant love” can help individuals pursue more fulfilling connections.
Why new love feels so addictive
From a chemical perspective, love has a similar effect on the brain as a stimulant, releasing neurotransmitters that bring pleasure, joy, and excitement. The early stages of romance flood the brain with dopamine, associated with happiness, and oxytocin, which fosters a sense of attachment. This powerful "love high" can feel as exhilarating as any other pleasure-inducing experience.
However, experts point out that this rush of excitement is often short-lived. “Once the initial excitement fades, those dependent on this thrill may feel the need to search for it again with someone new,” says Steven Mukasa, a psychologist based in Kampala.
This cycle of chasing the next "love high" makes maintaining a long-term relationship challenging, as individuals may lose interest when the novelty fades.
The role of attachment styles
Attachment styles play a critical role in how individuals approach relationships. For those with an "insecure attachment style," trust, stability, and self-assurance can be difficult to achieve in romance. Some individuals may feel anxious, fearing abandonment, while others may avoid emotional intimacy altogether to protect themselves from possible heartbreak.
These attachment styles can lead to a pattern of quickly diving into new romances, driven by a desire to feel connected. Although these intense connections might provide temporary relief from loneliness or anxiety, they often do not lead to lasting bonds. As Mukasa explains, “When someone falls in love quickly, it is often their attachment style driving that urgency, as they see the relationship as a source of security without truly knowing their partner.”
Social and cultural pressures
Social expectations and cultural norms also play a significant role in creating urgency around relationships. In certain cultures, adults may feel societal pressure to find a partner and marry. Family and friends, with well-meaning inquiries about one’s single status, can unwittingly push people to enter relationships hastily.
Furthermore, social media has heightened this pressure. Online, couples often showcase idealised versions of their relationships, creating a culture of "relationship goals." This trend can make single individuals feel pressured to find a partner to "complete" themselves, leading them to rush into relationships to share in this idealised experience.
Self-esteem and validation
Low self-esteem can also fuel the repeated pursuit of relationships. For individuals with self-worth struggles, a new romance may seem like a source of validation. A partner’s attention and admiration can feel like confirmation that they are valued and desirable.
However, relying on romantic relationships for validation is not a sustainable approach. Family therapist Rachael Kasule observes, “When someone depends on a relationship to feel worthwhile, maintaining self-worth outside of it becomes difficult. This dependency often leads to a pattern of seeking new partners as soon as the initial spark fades.” Building self-esteem independently can lead to more resilient and satisfying connections.
Using love as an escape
When life feels overwhelming, love can feel like a tempting escape from daily struggles. The euphoria of new love may momentarily mask career setbacks, family issues, or personal challenges. Yet, as Kasule notes, “People who use love to escape tend to leave relationships once the excitement fades, without addressing the underlying issues causing their dissatisfaction.”
Breaking the cycle
Although it can be challenging, breaking the cycle of instant love and short-lived relationships is possible with self-awareness, patience, and support from mental health professionals. Here are some practical steps to help individuals develop healthier relationship habits:
Develop self-awareness:
Reflect on why you fall in love quickly. Are you seeking love to fill an emotional gap or craving the thrill of new connections? Awareness of these motivations can help you step out of the cycle of short-term relationships.
Focus on personal growth:
Building self-esteem and fulfilment outside of a relationship can make a significant difference. Pursue hobbies, career goals, and friendships to foster a sense of completeness on your own. Kasule advises, “Engage in activities that help you feel fulfilled so that relationships become a choice, not a necessity.”
Evaluating past relationships can reveal recurring patterns. Did they begin impulsively or end for similar reasons? This reflection can help you recognise harmful patterns and move toward healthier choices.
Self awareness
Developing confidence and a strong sense of identity can reduce the need for external validation. Mukasa explains, “When you approach relationships from a place of strength rather than need, you’re more likely to form authentic connections.”
Emotional independence
Finding happiness and stability within yourself can prevent dependency on others for fulfilment. Emotionally independent individuals are less likely to enter relationships as a means of escape.
Take relationships slowly
Allow relationships to develop at a natural pace to build trust and understanding. This slow approach helps assess compatibility beyond initial attraction, fostering deeper connections. “Give yourself time to know someone before becoming emotionally invested,” Mukasa suggests.
Seek professional support
Therapists can offer valuable insights into underlying emotional patterns, helping individuals develop resilience and healthier relationship habits.
Where the thrill of romance meets cultural expectations and modern pressures, adopting a balanced approach to love can pave the way for lasting happiness. Kasule aptly concludes, “In the end, love should be a source of growth and happiness, not a quick fix or an escape.”
SCIENCE
In 2017, a study was conducted using a combination of online dating, a laboratory study, and multiple dating events. The results showed that feelings of love at first sight were not only common amongst participants but largely predictable based on physical attraction. While these findings did not link the sensation to long-lasting love, there is additional science that could help explain why love at first sight could feel like true love.
