Why have I failed to get over my ex?

I had been in a relationship with my girlfriend for three years before we broke up in January 2019. However, I tried getting in touch with her but she refused to take my calls or meet me. It really hurt me to watch her being happy without me. I miss her a lot and cry every night. Recently, I got an opportunity to study in Germany but I am not sure if I should take this offer. Because in two years, I will lose her forever. Is there a possible way to get her back?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

If you are not over your ex, it probably has less to do with love and more to do with your own internal issues. Not being ‘over’ your ex is simply another way of saying that deep inside, you have not yet accepted the breakup.

Believe it or not, it is possible to love your ex-partner and still accept that you are not together anymore. In fact, one could argue that part of love is being able to let go.

So, if the reason you are still thinking about your ex is not necessarily that you are still in love, why can’t you get over them?

A common sentiment of people who left a relationship against their will is that they will ‘never find someone’ like their partner. In a sense, this is true. Your partner (just like you and everyone else on the planet) is a unique human being.  However, this does not mean that you cannot find someone who is equally compatible, or even more compatible, with you. After all, if your ex was really that perfect for you, you would not have broken up. Even if they had stayed with you out of a sense of duty or something, a one-sided relationship is not ideal.

There is a deeper problem here, though. If you feel that you will not be able to find another person, and this is why you cannot get over your past relationship, then the issue is less about how great your partner was and more about your own internal neediness. Why do you need another person? Why do you need a partner to be happy?

If being alone is really that terrifying of an issue for you, then there are probably some self-worth issues that you need to address first. Try being single for a while to work those out. Perhaps talk to a friend or even consider seeing a counsellor about these issues.

You will not be attractive to the right people when you are in a state of neediness, anyway, so avoid trying to ease the pain with someone new. Once you are okay with being alone, you will probably be surprised to find the right people coming out of the woodwork for you.

Examine yourself for those small hopes and beliefs that you and your ex will get back together. If you know in your rational mind that this is not going to happen, then make it a point to watch those thoughts when they come up, thoughts you may have not even noticed. From there, you can slowly let them go. Remind yourself that it is over and that you need to move on.

Reader advice

Do not accept her back

Pontiano Jjumba. If you love her, let her go.  You cannot allow yourself to be stuck in the past to the extent of missing out on life changing experiences such as going abroad to study. Accept that she has found her happiness.

This should be a lesson

Henry Kiramba. Brother do you really know the meaning of ‘broken up’? In simple words it means the storm is over. For you it sounds like you need to shuffle the cards and play the game again. Let this be a lesson to you not to waste anyone’s precious time again.

Move on

Rodgers Niwareeba. You are lucky you got an offer to be so far away from her. Just accept that it is over and move on. The more you keep hoping, the more you rot away inside.

This is a blessing

Gloria Nambaziira. They say a breakup can be a blessing in disguise. This opportunity to go to Germany maybe that opening door to meet your soulmate so pack your bags and go see what this opportunity has got to offer you.

This is a blessing

Stella Namisango. My dear I know it is very hard but just go to Germany, and you will meet new people. It may take you some time but you will later on forget about her. It is hard right now because you see her all the time with another person. But if you change the environment time will heal you. You will even realise that it was the best decision.

This is a blessing

Wisely Natugonza Kyaboona. Is your ex the only person in the world? Use the head well otherwise you are losing out on an opportunity. You might even get a beautiful, caring and loving lady out there.

This is a blessing

Moses Earthe. Tell you what Brian, she is not your mother. Only your mother stays and loves you forever. She is not your mother’s daughter. Only your sister from the same womb will love you permanently. She is another woman’s daughter. The way you met her, you will meet another woman.

Do what makes you happy

Patience Nampa Natie. You need to believe it ended with her and you get a hold of your life. You deserve better and that includes taking up that chance of going to study in Germany.  She totally moved on past you and she is all happy by herself. Why don’t you give yourself the same treatment. To overcome this you need to start by believing that the two of you will never be together again. Start doing what makes you happy.

Evelyn is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

Additional information from pairedlife.com