Is infidelity just another norm?

There was probably no better way to come to terms with this fact than when the Aids Health Care Foundation went on an awareness campaign, encouraging cheating spouses to use condoms, whenever they went out abusing their vows. The advert, posted on billboards around Kampala, had an image of a red heart, shattered and broken into two, a well-known symbol of broken trust in a relationship. On top, were the words, “Cheating? Use a condom,” while at the bottom, it read, “Cheated on? Get tested.”

The NGO, as per the words of its regional director for advocacy and public relations, Mina Nakawuka, was only being realistic, facing up to the reality that HIV infections were high among married couples, thanks to cheating.

And when the Uganda Aids Commission called for the advert’s banning, saying it contrasted with the government’s message of faithfulness, an editorial in The Observer newspaper came in to restate the point that infidelity just could not be airbrushed out of the picture, as if it does not exist.

“Will people cheat less when they do not see the word “cheat”?” The Observer asked, adding, “Should we refuse to call a spade a spade because this might offend our sensibilities? What if calling it a spade might shock us out of the euphemisms in which we hide – and get us to act? We need to confront these questions.”

The use-a-condom-if-cheating billboard offered such a fine moment of reflection on just where infidelity fits in our society

Societal endorsement
Salongo Steven Senfuma, 57, symbolises Ugandan society and its relationship with infidelity.

He, just like Ugandan society, speaks out against infidelity, warning that it is a breeding ground for HIV/Aids. But he, just like many in Ugandan society, has gone on to sire children from more than one partner, 44 children in total, from so high a number of women, he is not even able to say it when asked.

This is what Martin Sembatya, a community psychologist and volunteer counsellor at Makerere University’s Counselling and Guidance Centre refers to as a society of contradictions. “We publically condemn infidelity because it contravenes cultural and traditional norms,” he says, “But quietly, we have accepted it.”

Most of society’s verbal endorsement of infidelity is largely indirect, subtle and expressed in metaphoric terms, even as a euphemism. When women get advice just before they marry, it, for all intents and purposes, tells women to learn the hard art of tolerating their husband when they finally stray. “Sengas advise girls to hold firm, stay obedient and will get to keep the position of the foremost woman in the home,” says Henry Nsubuga, the president Uganda Counselling Association.

On a recent breakfast radio show, presenters asked listeners to advise a woman whose husband of at least 10 years, was contemplating getting another wife. Almost all comments from listeners advised the woman to accept the co-wife.

The counsellor adds that rampant unemployment lures unemployed girls who desire to live comfortably into sexual relationships with rich but already married men. It also opens the door for marriages of convenience where a partner may choose to get married, not because they are in love, but because they are marrying a rich individual.

Messages to girls preparing for marriage give infidelity room to flourish, because they remove the psychological fear of a consequence to result from cheating. Mr Nsubuga says that the expectation of ‘punishment’ and ‘reward’ affects the choice of decisions people take.

Infidelity, he says, thrives because there is no fear of punishment that will result from it. If anything, there is actually a reward for those who cheat.

And it is here that religions come in for scrutiny. The phrase ‘what god has put together, let no man put asunder’ accompanies every marriage vow made in Church.

In the Roman Catholic Church, for instance, adultery is not a ground for divorce, according to Monsignor Waynand Katende. The Canons of the Church of Uganda, the set of laws that governs the Anglican Church in Uganda, says, “The Church regards marriage as a lifelong contract of loyalty between two persons; it can regard divorce only with disapproval and regret.” In Islam on the other hand, according to Hajji Nsereko Mutumba, the spokesperson of the Uganda Muslim Supreme Council, adultery can only be a grounds for divorce if there is undisputable evidence to prove, say if the two are caught in an act of penetrative sex.

Mr Nsubuga says, the social religious setting denies marriage the carrot and stick formula where married partners would live with the fear that if they cheated, they would be divorced. However, Monsignor Katende says, “We do not practice religion out fear. It must be a response to God’s love.”

Dealing with infidelity as a constant
Infidelity stands as a constant, and not a variable, in the equation of marriage. It cannot be ignored when decisions or policies about the institution are made. Will, for instance, marriage counselling sessions be tuned to ready each partner for the moment their partner will go cheat? Or will the institution be altered to legally accept adultery?

When asked whether marital counselling has had to adapt to accommodate the near possibility of infidelity in marriage, Mr Nsubuga responded cautiously. “We will not accept infidelity because it is not good…No one wants to be cheated on,” he says.

But he adds, “Counselling is not value-based, like religion, where you say you must have one wife. We work for what makes people happy, for finding a solution that makes both people happy.”

Getting the right message
It leads us back to how best to spread awareness messages to help reduce HIV prevalence rates. The Aids Health Care Foundation’s method is to call a spade a spade, like The Observer newspaper said.

Dr David Kihumuro Apuuli, the director general of the Uganda Aids Commission, remains resolute in his views that the use-a-condom-if-cheating-billboard kind of message does no good. That kind of message, he says, communicates something that the public does not understand, saying if one tests themselves after they are cheated on, it ignores the window period during which an infected person can test positive.

He, instead, advises again, that people should be faithful, but if they are tempted, then they should use condoms. Asked what should be done when, like the case is in Uganda, people have failed (or refused) to be faithful, he responds, “For God’s sake, avoid sleeping with someone whose status you don’t know. The responsibility is in your hands. If you are to take risks, take them knowing what will follow.”

In response to the argument that advising people to use condoms helps spread the disease even further, Mr Nsubuga says, although it may be a trigger for someone to go cheat, it is not the only trigger. It is the individual, he says, it is in his conscience.

The disagreements on which strategy will help curb the rising HIV prevalence rates will definitely continue. But at least, coming to the realisation that infidelity cannot be wished away will go a long way in ruling out what works and what does not work in the struggle against HIV.

[email protected]