Nothing had prepared me for the witchcraft of Ugandans on LinkedIn. I have been busy piling missile heads to launch a proper attack. But these chaps must have the most powerful juju. This week I was ready to go all out.
I was ready to ask them, what kind of wine were they selling? I was educated on a few basics. Things such as good wine needing no broth, and not having to blow one’s trumpet. Every time I go on LinkedIn and see the Uganda there, compare and contrast it to the Uganda I see and experience, something does not add up people.
Take for example my bank. Mbu this week has been customer service week. As I went to sleep, I saw a message from them. “Dear Ian, blah blah blah Independence week, blah blah blah customer service week.” I thought it was an alert. I thought they were about to say that all withdrawals this week would be free. In normal life, withdrawals are free, deposits are charged. In the banking system, it works in the obverse.
But then, the head of customer service in my bank will soon post how they have been doing wonders. How they have radically transformed the customer experience, aligned to the ongoing ESG campaign, reconfigured the digital future and are gearing for more future success. It is the mascara of LinkedIn. That you can do a good talk, the walk does not matter.
But is it not most corporate jobs. Like anyone could do a corporate job as long as they get good at the big two (Excel and Powerpoint), learn to read and reply emails, and learn to compliment the boss. Make sure when you come up with a challenge, it is to cast the boss in great light. Be amazed at everything the manager does. Always be curious; “Manager Lunkuse, I just love how you sneeze, how long did it take you to master it?” Then she can tell you how you need to be intentional and have a development plan.
But something stopped me from launching the attack on Ugandans on LinkedIn. Because of their witchcraft, some thieves decided to shop in my house. And boom, my beautiful laptop, other items and cash were gone. Gwe, you must respect Naalya thieves, they operate in the afternoon. And they will not make a mess of your house. Everything will be left organised.
Those post-theft emotions, they are a katogo. First, you start to suspect everyone who has ever come by your place. You suspect the ex-askaris. You suspect the ex-girlfriends. You suspect the househelps (aka sanitary manager on LinkedIn). You even suspect your own self. But then I remembered I have been celibate for quite some time. I should not have any vengeful ex. Thieves have a rare luck. I decided to not live in the past, to heal. Soon, I will organise a weekend retreat to teach Ugandans how to go through such an experience, and open their chakras.
That said, I realised that indeed there are two sure businesses in Uganda. The business of theft and the business of preventing theft. In Uganda, you are either the thief or the person stopping the thief. Because, surely, ask yourself, in a country where we innovate almost nothing, own almost no patent, have no world-breaking manufacturing enterprise, how does an 8-5pm person construct a five-floor commercial building. Mbu what? They invested in bonds and unit trusts?
The thing with Uganda, is that you must make peace with it. It is an ongoing experiment. It is a product on trial. It is the beta version. At the moment, we are all experimenting with wealth acquisition through theft. We love to call it corruption. But as a teacher, I am now careful about language. Words can misrepresent and discolour. Like that man at the statistics body that chose to create a new tribe ‘other tribes’. How insensitive! How do you summarise cultures, history, the people, their languages as ‘other tribes’. But in Uganda, we see these things and proceed.
A man claims to be the best at statistics with a bucket of errors. You know in Uganda, you can get away with anything as long as you have a PhD next to your name. But that too will be an attack for another day. At the moment, I am also healing from the fact that my Queen Sheebah was taken. All my support and desire amounted to nothing. Who is that man? Did he realise that I existed on the sidelines? Shay! Indeed, this Uganda is an experiment.
But then, I must self-flagellate and wonder. Why do we seek to own the things we love? Can’t we enjoy them from afar? Do we have to pluck the beautiful flowers? I will make a good therapist. Some Australian doctor told me the next gold in Uganda is in therapy and kidney treatment. Mbu the way we drink, and the way we suffer, one cannot go wrong on those two businesses. Kankomewo...
