Communication is much more than just talking

We have been told severally that communication is the glue that holds any relationship together. Whether a relationship is in its nascent stage, such as newly dating couples, or in a more mature state, like one of 20 years, communication is the lifeblood to sustaining relationships. 

By default, we all assume we are good communicators. Yet communication is much more than talking. In fact, communication is an art, which is why everyone intending to relate and sustain a relationship should pay attention to how they communicate.

It takes work

Marriage is often a mixed bag of complexity, frustration, disappointment, and misunderstanding and oh yes, lots of sublime, enthralling moments that makes it truly worthwhile. But what is clear is that it takes hardwork to find more of those happy moments than the frustrating ones. It is so easy to take the other person for granted, especially if you have lived with them for a long time.

Desh Raj Sirswal in his online journal article titled, The Importance of Effective communication skills defines communication as “the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs”. It is said that communication is 7 per cent verbal, 55 per cent body language, while the remaining 38 per cent is the tone of voice.

Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages has listed five love languages that people predominantly communicate with: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. Communication with your husband can be made easier once you learn his love language and learn to speak it.

Beware of the silent treatment

There are couples who go for months without talking to each other, sometimes over what one would consider trivial matters. Of course, a temporary time-out can give a couple an opportunity to cool off emotions, when an argument is getting out of hand.  But when it is used as a retaliatory or manipulative mechanism, the silent treatment prolongs conflict and erodes the respect the couple has for each other.

It is, therefore, pertinent to look into ways we can foster positive communication in marriage to avoid situations that would lead to a total breakdown.

Spend time together and talk

As simple as it may seem, talking to one another is often all that is required to solve a host of problems. Just open your mouth and talk, but before you do, think carefully about what the effect of your words might have on the listener.

God gave us the ability to activate a dialogue with no one but ourselves, and we can often do it in a matter of seconds. Within that short span of time we can choose certain words, an expression, or a well-timed joke to quell an evolving fight or do the opposite if we prefer to prolong the tension.

Mind the timing

There are things you say in the presence of your children or the in-laws, and those you can only say to your spouse in your bedroom. The goal is to find solutions to live peacefully and happily. But to achieve that, couples should be intentional about having sufficient time to talk. I have discovered that making time to talk to my wife has helped us resolve marital issues. Sometimes fights occur because someone misunderstood what you said or did not say or acted like they read your mind. 

Technology has evolved to fast give us quintillions of opportunities to keep in touch with our loved ones through various platforms but we must be careful not to let this become a “curse” for us. We, however, must confiscate “our time” together on a daily or weekly or monthly basis and strike a balance with other relationships. The temptation to keep in touch with everyone except the people we love should be avoided. 

Talk freely and openly

Allow your spouse to freely share their innermost thoughts and insecurities. The key word here is “safe”. There should never be room for verbal or physical abuse, or manipulation with confidential information shared in a relationship. The book of Proverbs counsels in Chapter 25 verse 9; “If you argue your case with a neighbour, do not betray another man’s confidence.”

Be specific

Broad generalisations such as ‘You never listen…’ or ‘you always do this or that’ are likely to get the other party defensive. Stick to the issue at hand during a disagreement. Do not use the opportunity to resurrect long forgotten issues that are not related to the current situation.

And we could all learn a lot from constructive criticism as opposed to blaming our partners. There will be time when you feel bitterness, resentment, disappointment or disapproval. But how you express these thoughts is critical; do not attack the other person, rather tell them how a situation made you feel.

For instance, rather than saying; “You never listen” instead say, “I feel ignored when I am talking to you and all your attention is on the phone”. “I am disappointed that you come home late every night,” is different from, “You do not care about me or the children.” This approach prevents your spouse from being defensive.