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Conflict is a natural part of happy marriages
Conflict are usually a projection of a difference in opinion or even a series of poorly handled events that later build up. PHOTO/COURTESY
What you need to know:
Marital conflict are not just a difference in opinion but a series of poorly handled events that later build up. Conflict in a marriage is inevitable and effectively learning to manage them is important.
“These sofas will not move. They are in the best position.” I said to my wife, Jennifer, in response to her suggestion that we re-arrange our sitting room to look better. “But they are not. They look funny and beside they need to sit exactly the same way they were designed.” She said with anger in her voice. I walked away. I just couldn’t understand how she could not see the obvious--I was right, she was wrong. Weeks later, on one of those weekends when we weren’t busy, we decided to try out her suggestion and boy, was she right and I was wrong! I swallowed my pride du jour and apologised.
There will always be conflict in marriage. Conflict may go from just a difference in opinion to animosity, indifference, war, and sometimes fighting leading to bodily injury and death. How you manage it will determine the health and duration of that marriage. Many a couple divorce over “irreconcilable differences” but Scripture does not have such a description. All differences are reconcilable and every marriage has 100 per cent chance of success.
Conflict can be used to enhance growth: a baby is born by largely contracting the mother’s belly and escaping through, a plane flying in the air has to constantly overcome gravity to stay up, a plant growing in the ground has to overcome opposition from the soil above it to push through to the top, and others. Through conflict you can learn:
i) Unconditional love. “Love is patient, love is kind….it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
ii) Unconditional forgiveness. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
iii) Perseverance leading to maturity. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)
What are some of the common causes of conflict in marriage?
The main cause of conflict in marriage is selfishness. James 4:1, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” There will always be differences in perceptions, race, age, personalities, but these do not necessarily cause conflict except how we manage conflict.
The Bible teaches quite about marital conflict resolution and here are some basic strategies that will help you resolve conflict in your marriage:
Gentle Communication
Allowing conflict to fester without addressing it is like keeping a bad tooth in your mouth or walking with a light stone in your shoe--it hurts. Any marital fissures arising out of miscommunication should be communicated with alacrity at the earliest and depending on the atmosphere, at the right time. Communicating why you are not pleased with a view or behaviour, and communicating it in non-threatening, accusatory, in-your-face-terms is helpful like an old English adage goes; “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” Proverbs 15:1 says it aptly; “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Allow for “time-out”
Time-outs in basketball are called to allow the team to rest, or the coach time to communicate something to the team. When an argument is about to erupt in your marriage, it is good to call time out, walk away and allow yourself time to rest and think through. You don’t want to talk when you are all in a tizzy. You don’t want to say something you will regret later.
Ask for your spouse’s perspective seeking to understand why they took that decision
Avoid jumping to premature conclusions. Don’t assume for them. Do not claim you know them better than they know themselves. Ask them questions if you need clarity to understand them. Lay bare your own opinions to them and have a conversation. You may be surprised, as I was in case of our furniture, that they know better than you.
Stick to the issue at hand
Do not drag in old issues and grudges and memories of past failures or what you generally think about the person that is not related to what the conflict is about. Resurrecting old unforgiven issues, name-calling, pressing your spouse’s hot buttons and insecurities and blaming one another doesn’t cut it. Fight fair. Keep your cool. Maintain the issue and avoid generalisations. Keep eye contact and lovingly articulate your point.
You are responsible for your words/actions not their response
One of the greatest temptations in a conflict is to try and match evil for evil. Wisdom dictates that you reign in on yourself and take charge of your emotions than trying to control or match the other party. You can be gentle with them and not stoop too low to engage in invectives, debates, shouting matches and unnecessary emotional reactions. Mathew 12:36 has been the biggest lesson for me in the last 11 years of marriage; “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every empty word they have spoken.” I have to remind myself during conflict that am responsible for my own words/actions for I will give account of them than minding what the other person says or does for they will account for their own behavior.
Forgive
How many times? All the time! Marriage is one relationship that is likely to be conflict-prone because you spend lots of time with this person. And there are likely to be misunderstandings. Mathew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions”. And you don’t have to feel forgiving (you never will); it is a decision of the will not to punish the other in return.
Humility
This is a dirty word for most people in marriage but the Scriptures call us to it. Humility is also reflected in Philippians 2:3 (NIV) when Paul counsels, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” 1 Peter 5:5 makes the same point: “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Admitting you are wrong and they are right is good manners.
Find someone else to talk to
If all talking has failed between the couple, you may want to bring in a third party rather than stewing things in your mind and heart. It can be a trusted married couple or your godly parents or confidant friends or a pastor or a Christian counselor who will sit both of you down and listen to help you come to an amicable solution.
