How do you deal with a partner who is a pathological liar?

Do you have a friend or neighbour, child, spouse or parent who seems to lie about everything that you have arrived at the conclusion that with them, you never believe anything coming out of their mouth?

Your boyfriend leaves home on a Saturday morning, casually dressed, only for you to learn five years later that on that particular day, he was secretly introduced by his baby mama. Or your wife finally admits that the child you thought was yours actually belongs to an old friend of yours.

You have been conned and encased and you feel like a fly caught in a spider’s web except in this case it is a web of lies. These are more than occasional fibs.    

A deal breaker 

Lying erodes trust and undermines confidence. It is a major relationship deal breaker. Because a liar cannot be trusted, it becomes difficult to open your heart to fully embrace them.  

 Liars exaggerate facts; they will add some elements of truth to a lie to create a concoction of a tale to be believable.   They are smooth talkers and often contradictory. They will tell one lie to cover another lie and will eventually lose track of the thread.

They are the kind that have several versions of the same story. They can use a simple story or scene into an elaborate and dramatic occurrence and they are secretive.  

Why people lie

Some people lie because they fear what will happen to them when they tell the truth. One of our sons used to lie to us whenever he wetted his bed. He always claimed it was either his brother or the rain that drenched him. Despite the fact that we never ever punished him for wetting his bed, we always wondered why he continued to lie about it.

One day, we told him it was okay to wet his bed after all we also wetted our beds at his age. The next day he got up and announced that he had wetted his bed, again. That was the last time he ever did. He has now outgrown this childish behaviour. You see in our giving him the freedom to wet his bed, he was delivered from wetting and the lying altogether.

Environment

Certain environments can enhance the behaviour when lying accrues advantages. Example is our political environment here. A politician will lie through their teeth to get elected and since no one will follow up on them to track the promises they make one election cycle after another, they will lie again to be re-elected hence perpetuating the cycle.

Survival mechanism

Some people lie to survive. They are threatened by a sack from a job, an end to a romantic relationship or deportation to their home country. To boost their ego and project themselves in a positive light, some people lie to make themselves feel good and conceal their negative situations. Some people lie to defend their reputation, privilege or prestige. 

Personality disorders

It is also believed that lying is a symptom of disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

No religion celebrates lying. Lying is part of the fallen human nature that we inherited from Adam. At the generic level, we all lie. Pathological liars premeditate on the lie before they tell it. They have a clear motive for lying. Compulsive liars, on the other hand, lie without intent, control, thought or effort.

Ignore or gather your facts

You know their words are smoke and they will not affect you in any way, so just ignore them. Let them be deluded. If you want to pursue the matter further, you need all your facts correct to pin the liar. You must be very sure of your sources. It must be fool-proof.  

Confront the liar gently

Be rational and careful enough not to drag in emotions here. Also use the personal pronoun “I” (and not the “you”) while addressing them. You could say; “I feel betrayed when I am not told the truth.” They might deny the facts, but at least, next time, they will either tell you the truth for fear of being caught or you are giving them a hard time to lie to you again. 

Demand for facts

 Whenever a liar speaks, demand for proof of what they are affirming or cast doubt on their assertions. This will irk them so much they will try to prove themselves and provide the proof or they will stop talking to you altogether. Either way, you have put them on notice to stop lying.

 Ask them questions with a mind of an interrogator when they submit to you a lullaby you suspect is a con. There is nothing they hate as much as being probed. When they realise that you will not take their talk at face value, they will either stop lying to you or will tell you the truth because they hate the interrogation.

Draw the line

Be calm and tell your lying friend or partner or relative that if they will not tell you the truth, they should not talk to you. If the issue at hand is big say it involves lending them money, together meet and ask a lawyer to draft the terms of the agreement or get their friends and relatives involved.

They may want to save face so they will endeavour to keep their word, hopefully. If you are not yet married to them, you do not want to live a life of being lied to going forward. You may want to cut off a relationship with a compulsive liar for your own good.