How does a woman get over a cheating partner?

By Phionah Nassanga

Sarah Nakayi, a mother of five, had what she considered to be a great marriage. “We had been married for 10 years and we had ups, as well as downs. But I knew and believed we would someday overcome all these challenges. Importing and exporting agriculture products to Kenya, he was occasionally away, but this did not matter because we constantly communicated. However, in 2014, everything started to change. I did not know he was having an affair until I started working with our eldest son,” says Nakayi.
She says her son revealed his father’s secret affair. He told her his father had another family in Kenya and the woman had a baby boy.

At first, Nakayi did not believe her son’s allegations because there were no traces that would lead to suspicion. She says this did not leave her the same, even when she could not confront her husband about something she could not prove.
She was devastated and could no longer keep quiet about it. When she asked her husband about it, he admitted to having another woman and asked to be forgiven.

Dealing with the aftermath
“Forgiving him was now the problem, because I started thinking he probably had other concubines. At some point, I wanted a divorce,” she says.
However, after a couple of counselling sessions, she found a way of accepting what had happened. She is quick to say this did not come easily. Nakayi says cheating does not necessarily mean your partner does not love you.
Ali Male, a counsellor, says healing from infidelity is hard work and the process cannot be rushed. The process towards healing is like a curve, especially for one that has been cheated on. Male says it is often two steps forward and one step back.

While some couples choose to separate after infidelity, Male says with the right guidance, couples can rebuild trust and restore their love. He says sometimes it requires stepping out of the old marriage and creating a new, stronger relationship.
“If a couple wants to rebuild trust, one who has been unfaithful must be willing to let his life be an open book. Rebuilding trust calls for extreme measures. It takes time, patience and recommitment,” he says.

Restoration after cheating
Dealing with infidelity has never been easy and it is the worst experience any woman can go through. However, when you decide to stay married, then you have to find ways of resolving the problem and rebuilding intimacy.
Jennifer Mirembe, a human resource manager at Deno Dental Clinic, advises women to avoid being angry, throwing insults and making disrespectful judgments and selfish demands.

According to marriage.com, it is still essential to take time to help you to decompress. It will also allow you to collect your thoughts and grieve the situation. If you have chosen to stay together, taking time alone may help you to reconsider whether you are staying in the relationship because you can become better, stronger partners with one another, or if you are simply staying out of sadness.

Get tested
If your partner has lied to you about being with one partner, who knows if he hasn’t been with dozens without your knowledge? Getting tested for HIV/Aids and sexually transmitted infections is essential. You must protect yourself, even if your partner claims they were ‘safe’ during their infidelity. Their definition of safe sex may differ highly from yours. If you have chosen to deal with your partner, ask him to get tested as well so that you can resume your sexual relationship without worry.

Don’t blame yourself
The reason cheaters decide to take the unfaithful way and indulge in affairs may have very little, if anything, to do with you. Cheating in marriage is a selfish act in which a person is thinking solely of themselves. Try your best not to blame yourself for the act. Whether you feel you weren’t as sexual, loving, or attentive as you could have been, nothing you did makes you deserving of being cheated on. If your unfaithful partner was depressed, they should have told you upfront.

Consequently, they should have ended the relationship before sleeping with someone new.
Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. Do not let cheating define your relationship. Be wiser and with an honesty and love that is more sustainable.

pnassanga@ug.nationmedia.com