How to handle difficult conversations in any relationship

You have been offended by this person for a while now. You have been patient and tolerant with them but it is getting worse for you because they are your workmates and therefore in your face 8-5 every day for five days or they are your spouse you share a bed with them every day. You are on the brink of a mental breakdown. You must put a stop to their intolerable behaviour but you do not know how or why but you know you must talk to them about it. It is potentially a difficult conversation because you are not sure how they will react but here is why it is important to have these conversations:

Why is it important to have difficult conversations?

1. To create strong bonds: You want strong bonds with the people you love or care about so you will have difficult conversations with them if you have to.

2. To increase group productivity if it is a work-related situation. Unresolved conflicts can affect productivity and morale at work so you want to talk about issues as and when they arise. 

3. To set boundaries of acceptable behaviour and align expectations.

How do you handle difficult conversations?

1. Attentively listen to their opinion:

 Do not interrupt them when they are talking to express your opinion rather listen to them attentively, keeping eye contact with them. And if you don’t understand what they are saying or you need some clarification, you could repeat what you heard them say, “So, you are saying that…. Is that correct? There are cues you will pick up from what they say and also what they don’t say. Some conflicts, if not most, are about protecting an identity or image so when you listen in really well, you will understand how their feelings affect how they respond to that identity.  

2. Put yourself in their place:

Some people act a certain way and offend others in the process because of their background and perspectives in life that you may not be aware of. Probably the character that is frustrating you and running you crazy is a function of something in their childhood they do not have control over. Maryanne, on her hubby: “I never understood why he served so much food on his plate and hogged it all. I would get embarrassed whenever we visited family and friends.

To see your husband load so much food that he is lost behind the plate like one behind a mountain was so embarrassing and terrifyin.g I started to fear visiting with him. But when I interacted with most of his relatives, I learned that he had been deprived as a child.

They were very poor, he was never assured of his next meal. Though successful now to a point, his unconscious mind still tells him he might not have the next meal. When I understood that, I felt sympathy for him.”    

3. Tell them how you feel rather than blaming them:

It is always tempting to just rush at someone and give them a piece of your mind but this haste approach always leads to failure because the other person will most likely not admit to their wrong so they will do everything they can to defend themselves and in the process even attack you.

 A better approach would be to explain how their words or behaviour affects you while using “I” statements. And find out how your words and behaviour affect them. You both may learn that something you say or do has unintended consequences.

“I feel useless when I am treated that way” will probably attract a better response than “You are insensitive, selfish, and you suck!” Joan applied this technique to her boss, John, and it worked.

“I realised that the more I came at him with blame like in instances when he would object to give me money for an activity, he flipped it on me and I would be the one with egg on the face. I changed tactics. I would say how I feel and this would melt him and he would see my point of view and release the money.” 

4. Allow for some time to elapse:

You should not bring up an intelligent conversation, especially one that is difficult between two parties, when egos are still raw and tempers high. You might need to wait out a bit more until some of that negative energy simmers down.

Allowing time to elapse gives you the benefit of evaluating the situation and coming up with an appropriate response. Also, it allows both sides to prepare mentally.

James applies this every time there is an argument with his wife. “It is easy to talk when we are calm. We probably are feeling bad about what we said to each other in the heat of the moment we want to apologize for it so when we decide to sit down to talk, we are more often than ready to yield to one another than when we are in the heat of the moment.”

5. Keep the conversation focused:

 As I type this article, I have just dealt with a stubborn subordinate in my team who knows they are not submitting their reports in time and despite my patience with them they have still failed to step up. A difficult conversation is in order, I decide, but I must be wise at the same time. I start by laying the ground by being nice and complementary of them and their contribution to the team. Then tactfully I introduce the matter. They take the familiar route of blaming everything and everyone else except themselves as they try to clutch at straws ( I expected this!) inadvertently trying to distract, derail, or drain me with irrelevant information, old grievances, and stale accusations but I refuse to fall for the trap. I acknowledge and agree with them on some but ignore them most and steer the conversation back on track. I do this firmly but respectfully. In the end, we arrived at the resolution that he would start to submit reports in time.

6. Let them go:

Some situations might require more than one conversation to solve issues. This might require that you come back to the same issue over and over again until it is resolved. In some cases, however, you may never achieve a peaceful resolution. In this case, you have to let the relationship go and not force them into it. You have to let the other person be to protect your mental sanity.

Denise agrees and says of her ex: “I got so tired of his cheating ways and talking to him about it that I stopped talking to him about it altogether. For the life of me, I could not understand why he cheated on me. The relationship suffered and eventually ended. You cannot continually wash a sow and expect it to be clean all the time. It belongs in the mud and you have to choose to leave him there and find better. Several years later I do not regret my decision.”

There will always be those difficult moments in relationships when you need to talk about difficult topics. By employing some of these tips, you can handle any of those difficult conversations. Good luck!