The price you pay for ignoring unhealthy relationship habits

We all like to love and be loved. Human nature is made for healthy and fulfilling relationships. Some relationships, however, do not bring health but hurt us, especially the intimate kind. The bold walk out and the weak stay and suffer.

Many who have been hurt in these relationships will confess that they never saw it coming, but as they observed over time, it became evident they were headed to a dead end. Here are some experiences from some friends:      

Deception

 “At first he was generous to a fault. He found any and every excuse to give me some money. Then when we settled in, lo and behold, the dude changed. He became mean and even refused to pay utility bills. He started to lie about his money and hide his property. He started to spend nights away from home. Slowly, I showed myself the door. It has been two years since and I have no regrets,” says (Mariam, 29).

Cheating

 “I can stand anything else but cheating. If she cheats on me, we must part ways. I discovered my ex had not just me, but three of us she was dating. I started to notice that she was never free with her phone. She was the kind that would go with it to the bathroom. Yet I was free with my phone. Then she would answer certain phone calls at a distance and in whispers. This became suspicious and I started to track her. When I had enough unquestionable evidence, I confronted her but of course, she denied.  I knew well enough this was not the relationship I wanted so I quit.” (John, 25)

Coerciveness

 “We met and hit it off almost immediately. For the first two years, he was of those you would call nominal Muslims. Then he started regularly visiting the mosque and wanting to take me along. At first, I brushed him off and he was okay with it, but soon it became a serious matter. He dictated I become a Moslem and take on an Islamic name. He told me about his plans to go to Mecca. I knew he soon would bring in other women into the relationship because their minimum is four…I am Roman Catholic. I could not, for the life of me, fathom us as a family going to a mosque on Friday and having four or more co-wives. We separated.” (Brenda, 28)

Controlling behaviour

 “He was my prince charming at first. A few months into the relationship after the excitement had worn off, his true colours started manifesting. He never liked me to meet his friends, especially men. He became critical of my dressing, claiming I was seducing men. He started insisting I had to tell him where I was all the time and who I was with. At first, I thought he loved me and was trying to care and protect me but soon I discovered it was his way of trying to control me. I started to feel like a bird in a cage. Every time, we were arguing about something and matters came to my head when we fought. I packed my bags and have never returned since.” (Jessica, 30)

Critical patterns

 “I noticed she started being critical and making condescending statements. Nothing I did was ever good or enough for her. Severally, she would throw criticisms at me. I started to fear being me and started to be conscious of what would impress her. I was unaware I was firmly in her grasp. It started to take a toll on me insidiously.

I was unhappy. I wanted out and sure enough, I gathered some courage from the encouragement of a friend and called her on the carpet. I was ready to walk out but I decided to stay and work things out. She is not yet there but I see she is trying.” (Jesse, 31).

The above experiences are some relationship flags that people should watch out for. Others are jealousy, gaslighting; a manipulation tactic, where someone makes you feel guilty for calling them out on their bad behaviour. Mistrust, aggressive and abusive (emotional, physical, and mental) behaviour and narcissism are not healthy relationship habits.

Communicate boundaries boldy

Some people sacrifice their personal needs in a relationship for their partner’s benefit and that is okay to some degree, until it becomes unhealthy to sustain. This is where you need to be honest about your feelings and communicate them to your partner. Express to them how you feel about how they are treating you but be careful not to come off as blaming them. Use the personal pronoun “I” when addressing them for instance, “I feel violated when I am made to account for every move. I am an adult and I kindly suggest that I am respected in that regard.”

Spend time with your crew

Manipulators will want to possess you and choke the life out of you. Walk away sometimes and spend time with your family and friends; people who make you light up, have fun, and be yourself without unnecessary judgment calls on your character. This revitalise your energy and purpose and compensate for your partner.  

Counselling

A professional therapist will help  you and your partner identify and resolve the red flag issues. Sometimes, your partner might be unaware that he or she is causing you untold harm and all your attempts to explain to him or her might fall on deaf ears, but when a third party is involved, they might appreciate the point.