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Understanding women’s anger and how to manage it
While you have valid complaints against your partner’s actions, the repercussions of your emotional reaction might haunt you for a lifetime. Photo | Net
What you need to know:
- Ssali used to organise such seminars but was discouraged by the fact that most attendants prefer vulgar content, which is not his type. But whatever source one chooses, know that even when you have valid complaints against your partner’s actions or inactions, the repercussions of your emotional reactions might haunt you for a lifetime. So as advised in Psalm 37:8, “Don’t give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble.
Late last month, a video went viral on social media, of a woman smashing her husband’s car windscreen with an object that resembled a pair of binoculars or a camera.
Meanwhile, her husband was recording the scene in their home’s parking lot with his smartphone.
“[She] is beating the car…” the man tells their little child. “You see…” the child replies. “We beat him (sic)…”
They repeat the lines.
“Your mom is mad,” the man tells the child.
“Ate lekera awo okugamba abaana bange ebyo…ku bintu byónkoze musajja ggwe,” the woman warns the man against involving the children in this mess.
The story behind the video, according to social media, the woman was reacting to her husband’s sexual affair with a close family friend.
This enraged woman vented her anger on a vehicle. Just a vehicle, you may say. Yet others, more furious than hell, unleash more harm. Some fight, maim or kill.
Error of original entry
Stella Namwase Kakaire, director of Family Altar Ministries in Jinja, says that excessive anger, the magnitude that gets one smashing her husband’s car, or setting her house ablaze, call it temporary insanity, is not mere anger, it is a product of the softer emotions like sadness, hurt or rejection.
“As a girl, this woman could have faced rejection by her father, but when she is equally suffocated by her husband, she is likely to explode with anger,” Kakaire, a counsellor says.
Damascus Ssali, a seasoned educator and counsellor, attributes such acts to inexperience and poor nurturing.
“In accounts it’s called the error of original entry. For years now, people have missed the important nurturing for marriage. They miss the mental preparedness that marriage is a very challenging institution. Ideally, the current problem should only prepare you for an even bigger one,” Ssali says. “Others lack the experience of hard tests in life because they were raised in the soft life at schools.”
Silence with right attitude
Stories are told of the traditional Muganda woman keeping a mouthful of water whenever she felt angry, to avoid arguing with her husband.
If she could not take it anymore, Ssali adds, crying was her best therapy without harming anyone.
These are quite different times and such restraint no longer comes easy, Ssali admits, but he advises that its modern version is “training your soul to avoid rushing to react,” invoking ‘asirise teyejjusa’, a common Luganda saying, whose Danish version goes “speech is often repented, silence never.”
The Germans augment it this way: “The best answer to anger is silence.” But Kakaire has her reservations: “Silence often works for me, but whenever I disagree with my husband, I make sure I show respect for his opinion, even though I don’t agree with him,” she says.
“Silence must come with the right attitude, otherwise sometimes, it is interpreted as a sign of contempt and could make a bad situation even worse.”
A problem shared is half solved. Does walking away from trouble and confiding in others help matters? Sometimes it helps, Kakaire says.
Ssali concurs: “But it depends on where you go; because some friends and Ssengas are also as inexperienced as you are and might not give you useful counsel,” he says.
“So be careful who you share your problems with; some are just saboteurs, they envy your relationship, and their advice is only showing you the exit.”
But some women confess slapping their husbands into sense. Can others pick a leaf from them? Kakaire equates that to winning the battle, not the war.
“When you slap a man and he gives in to your demands, you might be tempted into thinking violence has won but he could be plotting for an even bigger revenge.” Meanwhile, Sheikh Muhamad Lugoloobi, an Islamic scholar, says the way couples meet determines a great deal how they will relate.
“We all know that the devil is the chief facilitator of anger. But most young people, nowadays enter relationships without their parents’ permission,” he says.
“Fornication is inviting the devil as the mediator in your relationship and the results are obvious.”
He adds that as long as men do not check their egos and domineering tendencies, which suffocate women, anger explosions are inevitable.
“You have an issue with your woman, but you neither want them to speak nor keep quiet, seriously? But she will eventually explode in a way you might never be able to contain,” he warns.“Be kind and accommodative to them, their hearts will likewise open up to you in a kind way, and it will save you much trouble.”
Sheikh Lugoloobi also advises women to make supplications of repentance and praising Allah part of their lives. “That keeps away the devil.”
Educate yourself
Ssali says it is never too late. “We need to consistently educate couples and those intending to get married on how to manage anger, because it is part of life.”Kakaire agrees: “You won’t live your whole life blaming your past. Endeavour to educate yourself, by attending seminars, read books, search on the internet, go to church and keep on praying.” The challenge, however, “is choosing the right sources to learn from.”
Ssali used to organise such seminars but was discouraged by the fact that most attendants prefer vulgar content, which is not his type. But whatever source one chooses, know that even when you have valid complaints against your partner’s actions or inactions, the repercussions of your emotional reactions might haunt you for a lifetime. So as advised in Psalm 37:8, “Don’t give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble.
Talk
Sheikh Lugoloobi says as long as men do not check their egos and domineering tendencies, which suffocate women, anger explosions are inevitable.
“You have an issue with your woman, but you neither want them to speak nor keep quiet, seriously? But she will eventually explode in a way you might never be able to contain,” he warns.
“Accommodate them and their hearts will likewise open up to you in a kind way, and it will save you much trouble.”
