Help your children handle grief when a loved one passes on

Before long it was school time and Daphne realised her father had been away for too long when he was not around to drop her. When she asked of his whereabouts, Christine said he would return shortly. She went on to school and forgot about it, or her mother thought. Before long, Daphne got depressed and demanded to know where her Daddy had gone. “She often stared at his pictures and cried demanding to know where he was but I didn’t think explaining the reality would make sense to her,” her mother says.

Christine decided to make Daphne forget about her father by actively involving her in preparing for the baby. “Daddy will not return but he left us with a baby and it’s almost coming,” Christine cajoled her daughter. Consequently, Christine and her daughter often went shopping for baby clothes and when the baby came, it was all joy as thoughts about her father slowly faded out.

Christine is not alone; many parents are challenged when guiding their children through the myriad of life’s ups and downs and explaining the intricacies of a loved one’s death is among the greatest challenges. Counsellor Beatrice Balitenda advises parents on how to handle their children’s grief.

Permit them participation in the burial
For starters, Balitenda insists that children should be given the opportunity to physically take part in burying their parent. Besides bidding farewell, this could help them comprehend that their loved one’s demise is eternal. They may ask questions and this is an opportunity for the parent to explain the goings-on.

Don’t tell them lies
Culturally, many evade giving children clear explanations about the intricacies surrounding the death of their loved ones, to the extent of lying that the deceased will come home later. Balitenda highly disapproves of telling lies and insists that whatever a child’s age, opportune time should be created and clear explanation given regarding their parent’s eternal departure. “Do not tell a child that their parent will return later because when the child finally comprehends the reality of death, they may never pardon you for that lie,” warns Balitenda.
Their age is no excuse to lie because the bad news can be broken in a subtle way. “Take a five-year-old; you could say; “Daddy loves us but he is not coming back and is with us spiritually,” Balitenda says. “Acknowledging the reality will definitely hurt them. As they weep, they need consolation and comfort from someone they know loves and feels empathy for them,” says the counsellor.

Keep talking about it
After a parent’s death, most adults keep silent about the issue and turn it into a taboo subject when the child is around. However, Balitenda says it’s advisable to keep talking about the deceased in the child’s presence. “Talk over and over again about the demise and keep answering all questions the child might ask until they get used to the fact that they won’t see the deceased ever again.”

Seek a counsellor’s assistance
Understandably, a child may fail to come to terms with the demise. “No matter the age, be it a five-year-old or a teenager, a child may become pensive or hold onto an item that belonged to the deceased, or even have imaginary conversations with them,” warns Balitenda. This, she warns, is a definite cry for help to overcome grief. “Holding onto the deceased is a sign that one is still grieving and when it goes on for a long while, it becomes a stumbling block in a child’s life because they might fail to move on.”

Consequently, this calls for a parent to seek a counsellor’s advice. “From a counsellor, the parent is equipped with skills on how to help the child internalise the realities,” Balitenda explains. “Grieving is a process we walk with and which takes time. Therefore, because it’s the parent that spends more time with the child, they need guidance from a counsellor on how to help their child overcome the grief,” she concludes.

How to cope
Loss of a loved one is something that everyone has to deal with at some point in life. Somehow, everyone manages to cope with the sudden loss in their own way. Brenda Banura asked a few people how they coped

Belinda K
When I lost my father, I hid all the things that reminded me of him. This included his pictures and things he had given me. It helped me think less about him because every time I did, I ended up crying a lot. I also got myself busy days after he died; I buried myself in large volume novels and by the time the day came to an end, I would be very tired and go to sleep immediately.

Samuel S
The most beloved person I have lost is my grandmother. I spent seven years of my childhood with her and we were close. When she passed on, I felt so sad and broken but I grew up with the mentality that men do not cry so I swallowed my tears, wore a brave face and told myself there was nothing I could do about it but move on.

Susan N
When my best friend died, I started getting nightmares. I was scared and something kept telling me I was also going to die. I prayed a lot and kept thinking about the good things we used to do together. Since she was the kind that loved to have fun, I told myself she would not be happy if I remained sad so I tried to cheer up. With time, I put her death at the back of my mind and moved on.

Abdul L
In Islam, we believe that when you pray you get healed, so when I lost my father, I prayed so much. For over a week, I prayed that Allah would give him eternal life and be merciful while judging him. I know that my prayers were answered each and every time and this helped me get over his death.

Ben W
What helped me cope with my mother’s death is talking to friends about it and getting counselled. Later, I kept all the things she had given me. These remind of her and keep memories of her fresh and I smile whenever I see them. But it is impossible to completely get over it. To date, I feel bad when people go on and on about their mothers even though they do not have bad intentions.

Cathy A
I lost my elder and closest brother two years ago and still feel the emptiness he left. When he passed on, I could not bear to stay at home; everything and everyone there reminded me of him. So I went away to a friend’s place. Three weeks later, I felt stronger and went back home.

Andrew M
I am the kind that recovers very fast from grief. When I lost my closest high school friend and later my younger sister, I kept telling myself that death is inevitable and it is everyone’s destiny so the best I can do is move on with my life. What usually crushes me is watching them when they are sick and seeing them go through that pain when I cannot help regardless of whether they live or die after the sickness.

Anita K
When my mother died, I broke down; I simply could not see myself going on without her. I got a break from work so I could compose myself and between talking to friends, crying and praying, I managed to slowly get over her death a year later.