How to raise resilient children

Sharon and Davis are raising their three children in what you may call a middle class. They are both professionals with good-paying jobs. The children have gone to the best schools in this country. They lack nothing. That is great, you would think but Sharon is worried to death, “I don’t know how my son Brad will turn out in life. He finished university and is at home with us. I got him a job in a bank but I had to write him his CV. I take him to work and pick him up every day after work because the bank is on my way home. He still lives in our house. I have tried to talk to him to get out of the nest but he seems to think of going nowhere. I am not sure he can stand on his own against this rough life. I am not sure we raised him right…I secretly admire the kids of other parents who take care of themselves.” 

Sharon is not alone in worrying about her son. Some parents are in the same boat. They fear their children might not stand against the world after they are gone. But you don’t have to worry if your children are still young. You can raise them to be resilient in life so when the tide is high, as it will someday, you can be sure they will be able to hold against it.  

But first things first. What is resilience? It is the ability to stand against and overcome the stresses and strains of life and to come out positively impacted by them. It is that quality of life that determines to face life with all its challenges and overcome. However much a parent may want to protect their child from the pressures of life, it is not possible because life happens to everyone to some degree. Stress, adversity, and loss are real for adults as well as children. As parents, however, we need to build resilience in our children and this is how:    
 
1. Allow them independence:  
I know this is tough for a “helicopter” parent (those who hover over their children) but you must know that you will not always be with your child. At a later point in their life, they will leave your house and they had better learned to function independently of you. You can begin by allowing them the freedom to think and act on their own. Do not always provide answers to their questions. Bounce them back to them and hear what they think. Play the role of a guide and not the Alpha and Omega. As you affirm their right choices and they get confident about making them, they will develop the capacity to stand for what they believe and in the process build resilience.      

2. Give them age-appropriate tasks: 
Yes you have maids and helpers around the home but leave some tasks for your children to do. Let them learn and allow them the freedom to fail. For instance, I have been tempted several times to make perfect drawings in my 4-year-old daughter’s homework book. However, I have to remind myself it is her work and not mine. And that her teachers are not looking for well-carved angles and perfect shading but progress even on her jagged drawings.   

3. Have their back but let them go through the challenge: 
Be present to encourage and motivate your child but do not interrupt their learning process through the challenges they are facing. I have seen many parents blow such precious moments for their children in the name of loving them not knowing they are shielding the child from learning valuable life lessons. For instance, if your child is failing at their academics due to their carelessness and they are being reprimanded by the school administration, do not protect them. Instead, stand with the school authority and enforce the reprimand. This way, you are communicating love and wisdom at the same time.    

4. Allow your children to try new things: 
It is important that children try new hobbies or take a risk on something that is totally out of their comfort zone but within their ability and interest. Don’t force something on them that they don’t like to do. For instance, take them hiking a small mountain, or swimming in a natural lake…whatever it is that can elicit challenge and interest at the same time, you can be sure they will build their confidence and adaptability skills from it, skills they will need at their young age going forward into their future to build resilience.  

5. Teach them to value processes more than scoring points: 
In an age where everything is instant, children must learn the habit of waiting on the process rather than hitting the goal. Take the example of when football coach Pep Guardiola substituted Thierry Henri during a football game against Sporting Lisbon because Thierry scored a goal against Pep’s plan. In Thierry’s own words, “Pep Guardiola had a plan. If you don’t actually do what he’s asking you to do, you’re going to be in trouble. 

“Me being me I went there [to the right wing] to play with Leo Messi and I could hear him being upset because I wasn’t on the side of the dugout. I didn’t really care, you know.
 “I scored a goal, 1-0 up against Sporting Lisbon at half-time, all nice and everything, and he took me off. I was like ‘what did I do wrong?’ Coaches like Pep understand the value of the process. As a parent, you too should understand that the process teaches character, patience, and resilience. It is how anything that is to last long is built. It is how the best sports teams are built. Overtime. You could for instance have your child join a sports team to learn to play in turn, be flexible mentally, and learn to lose graciously. You can also enroll them in a musical school to learn to play a musical instrument, or a language class to learn a new language. These things take time and they teach a child resilience.    

6. Don’t accommodate a child’s every need: 
I have seen parents wear themselves out trying to provide for their child’s every whim. This encourages children to have the undesirable habit of  entitlement. Rather, even when you are able, in some specific cases, withhold your provision. Let the child wait. Let them appreciate and use what they already have. They will not die. They will be the better for it in the long run.   

7. Model resilience: 
As a parent, you can model resilience by displaying problem-solving skills and self-control. For instance, you can teach your child how to manage their anger by showing them how to calm down when faced with a tight situation. Of course, this is easier said than done because you will not get it right all the time but a parent who is committed to modeling resilience is better off than one who is not trying at all. 

8. Build their communication and social skills: 
Resilient people know how to socialize and communicate with others. They have social safety nets in which they communicate and find solutions to their adversities and adversaries. We all need people to help us out of the challenges we face and your children will need them too. Start by helping your children socialize outside of their home. Make friends with good neighbors and get your child involved in their community life through the community resources such as churches, non-profits, clubs, etc. 
These and more are some of the ways you can build resilience in your children. Don’t worry if they don’t warm up to your ideas at the beginning. Keep at it and time will vindicate you.