A couple prepares a meal together. PHOTO/Ai-generated/ FIREFLY
Recently, the internet was awash with NTV news anchor Andrew Kyamagero’s statements on marital roles during the Bump Love Show, on NTV Uganda. Kyamagero argued that wives needed to take care of their husbands’ dinner irrespective of how busy their days were or how late they got home.
He cemented his argument about the Ganda culture which he subscribes to, saying the kitchen is solely a woman’s office and would seemingly be an insult for a man to involuntarily be pushed to make himself dinner.
His argument had made sense until he exclaimed that in circumstances where he returned home from work relatively at the same time as his wife or even later, it would not matter whether the food only needed to be warmed in a microwave, he needed his food freshly cooked while he praised green energy. This is the reason he does not own a microwave at home.
Two statements that I found extreme on marriage: “The kitchen is not my office. I am a man and my job is strategic at the very top and you are sending me to operations. As a Muganda man, I won’t beat you, but I won’t eat or prepare that food.”
The second: “You are pushing me to pay attention to the other restaurants that have good food that I want... because I told you that it takes a lot of guts for a man to decide every day to come back to you.”
These reminded me of the Greek myth in which Narcissus, a handsome young man, fell in love with his reflection in a pool in which he slid and consequently died. Well, no man sets rules for another on how he should run his home. The reason Kyamagero is entitled to his rule of thumb. However, it would be disastrous to take his school of thought on marital roles as the standard for an ideal marriage in this budding generation of young men in the hastily evolving world.
Culture?
My response to Kyamagero is influenced by the same inclinations he subscribes to; the Ganda culture and Christian teachings on marriage. During the ancient centuries, the Ganda culture not any different from other cultures worldwide, firmly rooted men at the helm of the institution of marriage highlighting their distinct roles as provision, protection, and leadership, while women took care of the home, a role which included cooking and childbearing.
All cultures in Uganda were firmly built on patriarchal foundations of which many have since weakened because of the formidable wave of women emancipation. It should be acknowledged that whereas the ancient traditional customs greatly influenced societal behaviour and perceptions on various aspects of life such as marriage, not every custom of our dear cultures can pass today’s living standards.
For example, the Sebei in Kapchorwa District practised female genital mutilation which was pronounced repugnant to the freedoms enshrined in the Constitution of Uganda because it violated and endangered the human rights and dignity of the women.
Woman’s identity
In many countries, married women were stripped of their identity under the legal principle of coverture. Their legal personality was tied to that of the men, they ceased to exist and were represented by their husbands. They acquired the domicile of their husbands, dropped their surnames for their husbands, had no proprietary rights, and did not have the legal capacity to sue or be sued.
Wives in most cultures around the world were reduced to objects owned by men.
How much can a wife do?
To broaden Kyamagero’s argument, this kind of wife would return to cook for her husband but also attend to the children and their school demands, put his closet in order and crown the day by fulfilling her bedroom obligations. This is how the Ganda culture tasked women to revere their husbands.
If this is the to-do list of a wife living under the roof of a man who follows Kyamagero’s argument religiously, she would need to juggle her domestic duties in the morning before checking in at work and then return home to complete her duties without any privilege of socialising just like he intimated on the show.
These demands paint a picture of a wife running her marriage under a muzzle.
It would be an important question to ask whether a man rooted in patriarchy would bear the will and character to lull a baby, lay his bed, do dishes, prepare the children for school or even polish his shoes. What else apart from providing for his family would he do when he gets home? Would he protect by changing the dead bulb on the balcony? Or ensure that all doors to the house are locked or that the dog is unleashed to patrol the perimeters of the house? All these, any man can do while he watches his favourite political show on TV.
In 1776, Abigail Adams, wife to John Adams the second president of the US wrote a letter to her husband asking him to consider repealing laws on coverture with hope that it would tame the absolute power the husbands wielded.
She wrote: “In the new Code of Laws which I suppose it will be necessary for you to make, I desire you would remember the ladies, and be more generous and favourable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could.”
The authority bestowed upon husbands under their leadership roles was designed to be humble and loving.
However, it’s been construed as hostile domination; leadership in a home is not a right to control, abuse or neglect wives or children. Refusing to eat food prepared by your wife as you consequently seek it from elsewhere which by ‘good restaurants’.
Kyamagero purportedly meant engaging in adultery. This would legally amount to cruelty against your wife and also bear grievous legal consequences as it was stated by the retired Chief Justice Benjamin Odoki in the case of Habyarimana Vs Habyarimana, that any conduct that has effect of producing actual or apprehend injury to the victim’s physical or mental health would amount to cruelty.
Men have capabilities
Unbelievably, many men can make themselves breakfast in the pantries at their places of work but yet feel burdened by the same at their homes. Let us not run our homes like the dictators of this world.
What message are we passing to the young men growing under our wings? Should the boys we are grooming wake up at midday only to eat food prepared by their sisters since they have not acquired majority age to exercise their masculine roles of providing, protecting and leading? What message are we passing to the breed of boys who watch their fathers command their mothers to prepare them food in the wee hours of the night simply because they wield untamed authority? How will this young generation of fathers lead its families in a world that is steadily inclining to the extremes of liberalism and absolute women emancipation?
Way forward
We ought to appreciate that change is part of growth; clinging to male chauvinistic beliefs will only widen the chasm on which the institution of marriage is founded. Men must be kinder and considerate as they execute their leadership roles ahead of their wives. Maybe it would be the time to consider hiring services of a house help when your wife may not be able to actualise her duty in the kitchen or surprise her by folding your sleeves to prepare your family a delicious meal or help out on the rest of the chores.
This would draw you to a convergence point where your marital roles and careers do not collide but rather complement and complete each other instead of treating your marriage as a planet of master and slave.
Let us tame our egos and nurture ourselves into a legion of men who love, respect and exercise leadership with kindness and grace.
