Prime
Resolutions for men- 2017
Dear brothers, I hope you know that I have nothing against the lot of you. However, I do have some grievances against certain members of your population, who time and again continue to irritate us, your sisters. As the year ends, I kindly ask you to encourage your brothers to take the following vows, preferably in a public ceremony in front of their female relatives and friends.
1. I, Manspread Ochiel, will hereby desist from spreading my knees apart as if I am about to give birth to a Siamese watermelon, when in a public vehicle.
2. I, Noxious Ssemagundi, will cease and desist from engaging female strangers in conversation when in a public vehicle. If it is a matter of life and death, I will only open my mouth once I have checked that my breath is presentable. If not, I will use sign-language.
3. I, Irritatus Ochol, will cultivate good personal hygiene so that I do not have to scratch my ‘personal areas’ in public. If itching persists, I promise to see a doctor immediately.
4. I, Generosity Salim, will refrain from offering women sweets and foods when in a public transport vehicle.
5. I, Fresh-Air Kigunda, will see a doctor if I continue to experience the irresistible compulsion to remove my shoes after midday, wherever I am. I agree to undertake therapy to work through this compulsion. If I do not have the funds for that, I promise to keep my shoes on when in a public gathering.
6. I, Ignatius Ogwambi, vow to refrain from asking my single, female neighbours to cook a meal for me. I hereby recognise that they are not my chefs. I undertake to acquire basic cooking skills and generally stop relying on others to feed me, as if I were a toddler.
7. I, Tongue-tied Kiwovu, do hereby vow to learn English in the year 2017. I undertake to write texts and other messages proposing love, romance and related activities in comprehensible English. I agree to be publicly shamed if I am found using unintelligible abbreviated language t.
Thank you, dear men, for agreeing to make our lives easier in the new year.
Happy Christmas!
