When demands of your job make parenting such a huddle

Ms Claire Rusoke, a counseling psychologist with Heart to Heart Counseling, says the nature of work nowadays has largely affected the way children are raised. “Children need a lot of attention while growing up but because of the tight deadlines, people have at work, they are forced to carry work home and instead of focusing on the child when at home, they are working. In the past, mothers stayed at home and closely monitored what was going on in the lives of children while today they have their priorities all mixed up. They don’t get time to spend with their children so they don’t know them”

Dr Paul Nyende, a psychologist at Makerere University, also adds that the nature of work these days is fairly new to our culture and has alienated parents from their children.

They carry the stress of work into the family, which leads to them to seek support from elsewhere, especially from peers. “Children are left to the ‘electronic parent’ because parents end up compensating for their absence with subscribing for DSTV,” he says.

Mr Gregory Opio, a Human Resource Manager and also a lecturer at Kyambogo University, says organisations don’t think about an employee’s personal wellbeing. Their interest is to meet their goals even as much as they are humanitarian organisations. The trend of work has changed a lot and for people to keep their jobs, most have to upgrade by going back to school. The work place has stress of performance approval, which make people sacrifice a lot in order to keep the job or to get promoted.

Most people end up getting disappointed when they are fired after investing so much in a job. Then there is the new trend of workshops, conferences, trips or seminars ,which employees like because they get per diem, which is an extra earning for most. However, this usually comes at a cost of being away from home and sacrificing time with the family.

The busy mother
Claire Nakato, a mother of four, works as a teller at a bank in Kampala and is also pursuing her masters’ degree at the same time. She is at office from 7.30am to 5pm. then goes for lectures up to 9pm. She usually finds the children in bed or about to sleep and so does not get to spend time with them as much as she would like to.

Because of the nature of her work, she is under a lot of pressure and when she makes a deficit at work, the money is deducted from her salary which is also meager compared to the work she does. Nakato’s youngest is three months and still breastfeeds, so she has to wake up around 5am. to breastfeed before leaving home.

The two children who go to school are dropped by a driver and two remain at home with maids. She had to get two maids because the young ones require a lot of attention, which is also costly.

Nakato works even on Saturdays, meaning she is only fully home on Sundays. Her husband works with an NGO and sometimes has to travel upcountry for weeks leaving her at home with the children.

On days when both are in town, they are not at home during day and come back in the evening too tired to play with the children. They find it hard to balance family, school and work, but cannot give up any because all are important.

She explains that children the spend more time with maids and at school so when they are faced with problems, they find mechanisms to handle them without their parents’ help. This explains scenarios where when children finally leave home, they rarely come back home to visit their parents because they were not friends but looked at them as just providers.

A single father of five

Mr Charles Mugarura, an accountant with ABB in Nakasero, is a single father of five children. Mugarura’s typical day starts at 4am. He wakes up, does the daily morning routine and leaves home by 7.15am “I have breakfast alone, which I would of course love to have with all my children, but it is hard because I wake up very early while they are still asleep.

Things have changed a lot. I remember when we were growing up, my siblings and I followed a routine where each of us had a day when we made breakfast, milked the cows, swept the compound and generally did morning home chores, which is a practice I would like to teach my children because some are adults but don’t wake up to make me breakfast in the morning. It is hard to teach them these things with the lifestyle I lead. I arrive at office by 7.15am.

It gets disturbing because when I reach office, I have to call to ask if they slept well. I also have to call frequently during the day because anything can happen since I leave them home with the maid. It makes me uncomfortable leaving them with a maid. I worry if she will be able to teach them well, teach them good manners and advise them when they go wrong.

I would love to spend more time with my children, listen to them and know what is going on in their lives, to be not just their father but their friend too,” he says. Mr Mugarura leaves office at 5pm. and he goes to check on his farm for an hour or so after which he goes back home. This is the time he gets to see them after a long day. He is usually so tired to sustain a conversation so he goes to bed after supper.

Rare options
Ms Rebecca Bakyaita, a mother, says while growing up, her mother used to stay home all day and cook something special for them every day. These days, because of work, she hardly gets time to cook during the week. “My children spend most of their time with their teachers and classmates during the term. Because of this, I try to know their friends and teachers and spend a few minutes every morning or evening talking to these people to find out how my children are doing.

During the holidays, they spend most of their time with the maid. My time with them is in the car and in the evenings during the term. During holidays, I leave late for work and return early or take leave (one holiday a year)” she says.

Trying to find time
Every Sunday the family watches their favorite T.V program together, have Bible and prayer time every evening and their best quality time is in the car on their way to school and back home in the evening.

That, apart from Bible reading and prayer time, is the only time they are all together in one place. Ms Bakyaita thinks because of television, children have more exposure which we did not have while growing up. Because of this, parents cannot afford to let life take its course.

Parenting today has to be more hands-on and engaging if one is to know what their children are up to and counter negative messages.

Ms Ann Mugunga says she spends time with her children reading Bible stories and other kinds of story books, talking to them about how their day was and doing homework with them, taking them out on weekends and during the holidays and by holding ‘mums and daughters’ sessions with the girl (together with other mums and their daughters where they talk about growing up, body changes, hair styles and many other things.

Another parent Margaret Matte recalls how when she had just given birth to her twins, she had to leave her children at home and go back to work when they were just six months. “I couldn’t breastfeed up to two years because I worked in a bank and worked from 8p.m -6 p.m meaning I had to leave the twins at 7am.

My husband would bring them to my office at lunch time for me to breast feed, but after a while, it got so tiring. When the children get sick, it is the maid that looks after them.

The maids were the ones training my children and some had bad characters which they taught them. I was forced to take them to boarding school at a tender age where they met all types of cultures, religions and people which I didn’t also like but had nothing to do about it,” she says. Different individuals have devised coping mechanisms to balance the stress of modern life on parenting.

Unfortunately, parenting is one of those vocations that can’t be done following a job description, however according to experts trying to build friendship with your children despite your hectic schedule can help a lot.

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Tips on how to manage parenting amidst the stress

• Plan your time well according to priority. Dedicate a specific time to all demands ensuring not to cheat any.
• Ensure that you get an activity that relieves stress.
• Watch T.V and play with the children. Spending time with them creates a bond that strengthens the relationship.
• Have meals as a family or take them out to a restaurant. If you can’t afford it, go for a picnic with the kids to a park or beach.
• Don’t be so uptight and restrictive as a parent. Loosen up at home in order not to intimidate the children.
• Avoid extreme disciplinary measures because they make children harbor anger. Show children love and they will love you back.
- Dr Paul Nyende