IGG’s 10 tips on how to defeat corruption

The IGG has told Ugandans to stop entertaining public officials who are taking advantage of government rules and procedures to extort money, according to a story in Daily Monitor.

I agree.

Why are you entertaining the corrupt, dear Ugandans? If you are Sheebah Karungi or Jose Chameleone and a government extortionist attends your music show, we understand. You have no choice but to entertain them. Besides, how will you distinguish an extortionist from a fan when even extortionists are fans? So, by all means, entertain away. Just make sure that your entrance fee is not extortionate. If it is, then we shall not entertain you with our presence at your shows.

On a more serious (non-musical) note, the IGG is a serious-looking lady. In all the pictures I see her in these days, she is unsmiling. It shows that she does not treat her role as a laughing subject. To her, corruption deserves an upside down smile because it has turned everybody else’s right side up smile, upside down.

Except for the corrupt, of course; they are laughing all the way to bank balances that are unbalanced, they are so crazy. Indeed, their telephone digit bank balances call into question the morality of our society.

That is why the IGG always looks like she is at a funeral. Sure, we know, most of you are smiling inside when you attend funerals. Most especially when you look into the casket and it's not you in there. So your ‘RIP’ to the deceased is really short for “Rest In…Phew!”

Not that the IGG does not know how to smile, she does. However, she was even looking this Blue when she was in the Opposition, remember? Those were the days when the only ‘E’ in her vocabulary was not extortion. It was evict. As in evict Mzee from State House for allegedly having sticky fingers.

Times have changed, though. Those supposedly sticky fingers now point the way to a corruption-free country. Incidentally, we have it on good authority that the IGG has a few tips on how we can defeat corruption, with more than just a frown.

These tips, according to the grapevine, come in 10 reminders:

1. Corruption is more than bribes: Agreed, bribes and corruption go together like mandazi and black tea at a low-budget breakfast. Indeed, they are so inseparable that if they were married, they’d be bribe and gloom. However, just like there is more to a low-budget breakfast if you include some aerated groundnuts, corruption involves other tasteless qualities.

2. People power: Dear police persons, please put your tear gas canisters away. We are not talking about NUP. We are talking about creating means by which citizens participate in their government to identify the corrupt. But I understand why you still have your tear gas canisters out since the citizens will probably identify you.

3. Align anti-corruption measures with behavioural forces to ensure that those who eat with their hands are given handcuffs, not hand sanitisers.

4. Don’t go to work: If you are in a supermarket and you decide to become a weightlifter with a bias in shoplifting, make sure you don’t work at the Media Centre.

5. Work for Rwanda’s president: The quickest way to cure corruption is to get caught with your pants down in a non-Ekimansulo (nudity) situation in the presence of Paulo.

6. Blame it on the Illuminati: Remind everyone that the devil exists and so they’ll go to hell if caught. Yes, the devil is ex-basketballer Michael Jordan. He was 6 foot 6, won his 6th championship in the 6th game of the finals with 6.6 minutes to go and had 666 points in the 1993 playoff season.

7. If you can’t keep your fingers short, head-butt everybody, including women and children, you can be accused of assault, instead of corruption.

8. Deny, deny and deny. Remember when former US president Bill Clinton lied about having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky? Say you never had asexual relationships with any stolen cash.

9. Arrest anybody who is somebody at KCCA, in the name of waste disposal.

10. Convert these 10 tips into NRM’s 10-point programme and declare a fundamental change. Congratulations!

Disclaimer: This is a parody column