Kamala ‘shipping’ voters from Uganda to US
What you need to know:
- Accordingly, NRM voters are being identified and processed as shipments to the United States. Their mission is clear: stamp out the colour red where they find it.
The heat is on! US vice president Kamala Harris and former president Donald Trump are in a race that’s too close for comfort. Well, to both of them. Not us. We are just fine.
Anyway, the winner of this election is likely to win by a hairsbreadth. This is huge, if we are talking about Trump’s light orange comb-over. To be clear, a comb-over is a strip of hair combed over a bald patch on a man's head in an attempt to conceal it.
So, essentially, Trump is bald. And Kamala is a bald-faced liar, at least that’s what Trump says. Together, they can do an effective rendition of the 2008 hit song No Air by American singer Jordin Sparks with Chris Brown. Their version, however, would be called “No Hair”.
The two might find themselves in a hairy situation nonetheless, if Trump’s outnumbered majority is subjected to the same outcome as 2016. In that presidential race, Hillary Clinton surpassed Trump in the national popular vote by nearly 2.9 million votes.
That is about the same number of votes Mzee routinely defeats his opponents by in Uganda’s presidential elections, before accusing them of rigging. Oh yes. Our Opposition continues to rig itself into the fiery depths of electoral hell, while State House screams “Ouch!”
The maths is Kiggundu-compliant, we confess. Still, Trump should not take any chances. He must realise that two million Mzee-loving Ugandans could be lifted over that "big, beautiful wall" between the US and Mexico to vote for the pet-consuming Democratic Party.
NRM is already colluding with the Democratic Party here to defeat NUP, an Opposition party which shares red as its party colour with the Republicans.
To bring you up to speed, after the 2000 United States presidential election, the Republican Party was strongest in red states and the Democratic Party in blue states—in presidential and other state-wide elections.
This is why Trump must be on the lookout. You can never underestimate the NRM, which is MRN when spelt backwards. As you know, MRN stands for Movement Reference Number. The MRN number identifies and processes shipments by providing a tracking number.
Accordingly, NRM voters are being identified and processed as shipments to the USA. Their mission is clear: stamp out the colour red where they find it. Have you seen any ‘Red Top’ beer around recently? Their gradual disappearance is linked to this operation.
Trump doesn’t seem worried though. He recently appeared at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. As he served French Fries, he appealed to working-class voters. In other words, he sought to appeal to every “Ordinary Joe”. This is strange because he considers Joe Biden extremely ordinary and yet I didn’t see Trump serving him any fries.
This has left other Joes confused. The leader of NEED (National Economic Empowerment Dialogue) is wondering if Trump’s administration will support him in keeping those NRM Ugandans we mentioned earlier being shipped to vote in the USA, in the USA. Well, at least until the 2026 elections are over. That way, Mzee’s majority goes up in smoke like the natural herb supplies in Kamwokya.
In this “Wah gwaan” state of being, Uganda will be free. Well, at least from sobriety. However, that does not help Trump. He will still have more than two million yellow Ugandans in his country voting for Harris and thereby giving her the popular vote.
This would be a serious blow to Trump, who said only days ago at a rally in Atlanta, USA: “Look! Look! Up in the little, tiny corners of this big place. We’ve had the greatest rallies in the history of the world, not just this country.”
“There’s never been — I mean, we filled up Madison Square Garden last night. We could have filled it up 10 times,” he continued. “If you looked outside, you saw that all the way back to Lake Victoria, wherever that is, and back again. There’s never been anything like it.”
Except in Uganda, a country where voters who never ‘were’ suddenly ‘are’ and so we frequently have more votes than voters. In Nakasongola, livestock even voted once. Cows were seen smiling broadly in voting booths and thereby becoming laughing stocks.
Disclaimer: This is a parody column
