Prime
Pigs invade Mzee’s 80th birthday party
What you need to know:
- Mzee, although a premier rapper refused to give his guests Another Rap. That is because Kenzo advised him that rappers today prefer “beef” to conciliation. And Mzee’s message was about unity.
Did you attend Mzee’s 80th birthday in Nakaseke District last weekend? The cake had so many candles that teargas was used to blow them out. Nanti, with so many candles atop a sizeable cake, it became a “Firebase”. So it had to be managed before the celebrations proved to be sheer “kiwani”.DM bodytext: Anyway, Mzee celebrated his 80th birthday in a special way, returning to the Luweero Triangle where the five-year liberation war demonstrated how the NRA would not kowtow to Obote’s poohoo.
I was going to replace “kowtow” with “countenance”, but the copyright for that logorrhoea (a more romantic way of saying oral diarrhoea) belongs to Mr Unibrow.
Anyway, Mzee was smart. That olive-green shirt was for World Cup. Okay, it was for Cecafa. Since, at the World Cup, Nigeria, Cameroon or even the Republic of Ireland would say it is their shirt. They always wear green, you know.
Mzee’s celebrations reminded me of December 4, 1977, Central African Empire. That’s the time Jean-Bedel Bokassa crowned himself Bokassa I, Emperor of the Central African Empire, in a sports stadium on the edge of the jungle. If Bokassa were alive today, he would be 100 years old.
At Bokassa’s coronation, there was music from Mozart amid tribal drums. The blend was like a mix of musician Alien Skin and the Gisu Imbalu ceremony: a cut above the best.
Bokassa was 56 years old and a former soldier. About 3,500 guests showed up and that is why Bokassa had the presidential protection guard armed to the gritted teeth with submachine guns. A Soviet-made helicopter circled overhead like it was lost, but soon-to-be found more than 40 years later in Ukraine.
The buffet
The food was plenty. I hear the buffet included the ancestors of some of the pets that are currently being molested by the diets of immigrants in Springfield, Ohio, USA.
Mzee was more mindful and made sure Matooke and other Ugandan delicacies were served to the people of Luweero.
“This celebration is not about Mzee because he didn’t reach all these milestones alone. True, I used to say I was the only one with a ‘Vision’. But that was because if I said I was the only one with a ‘Monitor’, my comrades would wonder why I read a newspaper that is Independent instead of NRM,” Mzee confessed.
“We are tired of Independents in our politics; pick a struggle Ba-Guy. You can’t be everywhere like UPC used to be because you will be nowhere like UPC is. Join the NRM and receive a Service Award.”
Mzee, although a premier rapper, refused to give his guests Another Rap. That is because Kenzo advised him that rappers today prefer “beef” to conciliation. And Mzee’s message was about unity.
“Beef”, dear reader, is an urban colloquialism that means dispute.
However, Mzee added, if Ugandans wanted beef, he had thousands of cows which could be deployed for the purpose. And all his cows were Moo-vementists.
Still, that does not mean there was no music. Remember that kid’s song that went like this: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream?
The lyrics were changed to sound like this: Luwee-Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream.
Everybody, including Mzee, loved it because it said life was but a dream. To dream, one has to be asleep and these days the people of Luweero can sleep.
Not like those days when the unchained melody of gunshots punctuated Luweero’s existence with an exclamation mark ordinarily placed at the end of a Winnie Nwagi slap.
Mzee said democracy was restored, too. Ugandans were now free to elect anybody they wanted, outside of the most covered seat in the land.
“All these things you are talking about of people stealing your money, you have the power. We agree that power is sometimes subjected to power cuts, but you can use the darkness to sleep even more,” Mzee advised.
Suddenly, pigs came out of nowhere to spoil the party.
The people of Luweero looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Disclaimer: This is a parody column
