Prime
Satire: Minister Anite should be celebrated
PHOTO: Illustration by Ivan.
What you need to know:
- We need a restraining order stopping the public from mocking Anite’s kissing.
Until the NRA chased away the pigs, people mistook kissing for Stone Age rituals from the deepest crevices of the Kalahari Desert.
Before 1986, kissing was only supposed to be done in hiding, under total darkness, as if to pay homage to the gods of Stone Age when nights were darker than the inside of a coffin. Don’t ask me about the inside of a coffin, I only enjoy writing obituaries.
Anyway, with only a promised ‘midro-income’, we have slowly learnt that kissing is a form of public display of affection (PDA) that the government must promote especially for a country with so many PLTs (pretty little things).
Now, kissing is supposed to look good on all accounts and at whatever angle. Yet the manner in which a whole Investment minister was investing in the act of kissing left everyone agreeing with the famed Leopard – that the mouth is for eating.
Surely, we are still light years from getting to the real touch-and-go kissing, the Hollywood kind. And this calls for urgency is setting up a Ministry of Romance and PDA.
We must show that the people are happy, relaxed and enjoying the promised midro-income before it finally arrives. This can be exhibited through kissing in a more romantic manner, not like a couple haunted by incessant text messages and calls from apps-begotten loan sharks.
If a minister can invest all her time and kissing resources into such kissing and then also flaunt it in public, imagine what the rest of Jane, Sharon and Betty of this country are living with.
We have enough problems with Umeme, Mbidde’s eyebrows and bleaching as it is already, must we add some gory kissing actions to these?
In some developed countries we look up to, there are ministries of happiness. We should really do the looking up to better by creating the Ministry of Romance and PDA.
This is for our own good. Imagine Anite is a minister who is always receiving investors or travelling out there to promote our country for investment. God forbid should she receive an investor and go for a peck.
Yes, it’s already nightmarish enough just imagining what would happen with her pecking a Greek investor if her kissing was that bad.
With a fully fledged Ministry of Romance and PDA, we can avoid afflicting potential investors with Goosebumps from such unsightly kissing. We want a nation where PLTs kiss and smile, not start gasping for breath and accusing their partners of expending nuclear warheads into their throats.
In fact, had Anite shared the pictures in December 2019, she would have been blamed for inventing Covid-19. And Uganda would still be paying a huge price.
But now that she has done it, we need to celebrate her for showing us what is lacking. We can improve on that aspect of our lives.
For a nation that spent billions teaching youth how to slurp coffee, surely we can just get a ministry to oversee our kissing. After all, we have so many ministries that nobody will even notice a new ministry one for kissing exists unless it starts organising kissing competitions with Zari and Fabiola as its ambassador.
We need a restraining order stopping the public from mocking Anite’s kissing.
Instead, she has helped us see what we really need to put right and for that, she deserves our utmost attention and sympathies.
*Disclaimer: This is a parody column
