When we say “bananas”, we are not referring to the long curved fruit which grows in clusters and has soft pulpy flesh.
Instead, we’re talking about the yellow colour these fruits appear as when ripe.
We know she loves yellow for one of a variety of reasons. We just don’t know which reason exactly.
Yellow is associated with pornography in China. In Europe, it is the colour of cowardice, weakness and betrayal.
However, the High Commissioner was declared “persona non grata” for allegedly engaging in “uncouth behaviour”, so some may imagine that her brand of yellow is made in China.
We know the NRM is anti-porn. Not only because porn comes in FDC party colours. But because, in 2017, Uganda got a machine that would detect porn pictures, videos or graphics taken or saved on one’s phone, computer or camera in any form.
The machine, reportedly worth Shs300 million, approximately $81,000, detects and scrutinises porn on mobile handsets and other electronic devices.
Or so we hear.
At any rate, a South Korean company reportedly supplied the machine after the Ministry of Ethics got its 2017 budget allocation.
This is fitting since porn appeals to what lies south in the human anatomy.
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Also, Uganda has an anti-pornography committee to operate the machine and monitor and implement anti-pornographic laws.
The committee has been reportedly studying, rather closely, the High Commissioner’s ups and downs, so to speak. It has also been studying, for hours on end, the “ins and outs” of her case.
Before we continue though, let us clarify the difference between an ambassador and a high commissioner.
The title for diplomats depends on what they represent: High commissioners represent Commonwealth countries. Ambassadors represent non-Commonwealth countries.
In related news, the Brazil national football team has also taken keen notice of the banana-rich High Commissioner.
Brazil has one of the best national football teams in the world. It is the biggest winner of the Fifa World Cup, with five titles.
The Brazilian team is known for its (majorly) yellow shirt.
Vinicius Junior, a man who always keeps it Real, has said the High Commissioner’s love for the colour yellow is a sure-fire sign that she is Brazilian.
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Vinicius Junior, also known as Vini Junior, says the High Commissioner could win Brazil its seventh World Cup, without the team having to win its sixth title.
How?
Well, the High Commissioner’s boss has a seven in his name. By simple logic, her association with Mzee implies she is also seven-happy.
Besides, she was born in 1977. That is two years before Mzee helped declare Idi Amin persona non grata in Uganda.
Moreover, 1979, the year Amin fell, adds two years to the High Commissioner’s birth year. This, according to Brazilians, means two more World Cups.
Also, let us not forget that Brazilian footballers have the “jeitinho” or trickery. A cousin of the jeitinho is Malandragem.
Malandragem is the black sheep of the jeitinho family. There is a link between Brazilian football and the Malandragem.
The Malandragem led to Malandro, a stock figure of Brazilian culture – the hustler.
Or what dribbling experts on Brazilian football called the “The Artful Dodger, pocketing an orange from a stall and melting invisibly into the crowd.”
Similarly, the oranges pocketed by the NRM are the fruits of Uganda’s prosperity. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The High Commissioner committed her own crimes as herself and not as NRM.
*This is a parody column.
