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Satire: Wo-man undressed says has been enacting 1986 promises
What you need to know:
- Life is a jungle: I met the wo-man after the undressing and he – let’s call him by the proper pronoun now – was candid. Life, he said, is a jungle, a jungle like Luweero. And us the animals.
In 1986, a celebrated party animal who has lived over 40 decades hopping happening places in the night was filmed having the moment of his escapades. In the now viral clip, he had the wo-man at zero distance and kept bumping loins with her, his lips perfunctorily pecking her rounded full lips.
There was a band playing but all I could hear – and I bet our celebrated party animal too – was Afrigo crooning with “Wankulira amatama, wankulira amaaso, wankulira akabina…”
The man left nothing to imagination that a dance was truly the vertical expression of horizontal desires. He stroked the wo-man’s artificial butts and pressed her waist in a way that suggested intimacy was.
But turns out the wo-man had just edited the sex by adding a fake prefix ‘wo’ that she used to lure unsuspecting men. With one promise after another, a slew of men pocketed in two ways; to conceal their projectile and to dip their fingers in for cash she needed.
I saw someone say “he has been acting as a woman to steal from men.” Yes, that is very sad. But then again, so what? Isn’t she the perfect reflection of the bigger promise we have all had since 1986?
We have had a whole fully-fledged system faking service as a government and making endless promises to unsuspecting citizens and no one has ever undressed them the same way our wo-man was.
I met the wo-man after the undressing and he – let’s call him by the proper pronoun now – was candid. Life, he said, is a jungle, a jungle like Luweero. And us the animals.
“In this jungle, only the animals survive. Those who want to live in the jungle without accepting that they are animals are living in fatal denial,” he said.
Going political, he asked what we have been learning as citizens over the last 36 years if we cannot make a life out of empty promises, saying those who pay after being promised service should not feel aggrieved when some “telecoms give 2G disguised as 4G like he has been doing”.
Indeed, we have been living it all for 36 years only that has been very deliberate and, therefore, with an obligation to fulfil. I mean, this wo-man was simply going out there under false pretence and the ‘victims’ were approaching him for service.
It’s different from 1986. The citizens are not the ones who have been hissing suggestively at a passing leopard in a leotard. Like the wo-man made up for what he would never even be, the leopard put on a leotard and created a ravish impression of itself.
Then, unlike the wo-man, the leopard started making promises right from day one. The fundamental change it promised was indeed fundamental if you consider the fact that nobody uses the noun leotard anymore. Show that piece of garment to anyone today and they will call it a “swimsuit”.
And therein is the promise. It took 36 years for the leopard in a leotard to see that Busoga was crawling in the abject poverty it has been promising to eradicate.
And that is how long it has also taken us to realise that leotards are now loosely called swimsuits – and you know nobody undresses a person swimming in satiated opulence.
This is a parody column
