Sunday Satire: How Kakwenza fled into exile

Uncle was just starting to walk his German Shepherds when an aide approached him. There was an urgent call. 
“Uncle, you know this guy, he’s lanky like that beanpole Peter Crouch of Stoke City and Liverpool back then,” the caller says. “He’s bespectacled and is probably in a dark suit now.”
Uncle gets confused. He wonders if they are describing him and reassures himself that at least Nephew hasn’t mentioned the nose.
“Is that a genocide suspect? Because I’m not aware of any genocidaire by such a name, but I’ll crosscheck with the Genocide Tracking Unit…”
On Wednesday, acclaimed novelist Kakwenza Rukirabashaija became the first Ugandan to flee into exile via Photoshop, only to leave behind the entire nation in a fit of speculation. 
A head of state of a neighbouring country was apparently ringed to inquire about Kakwenza while on social media, there was an overdrive of idlers competing to explain how a guy with no passport could have been hopping from one border to another with the ease of Umeme allocating darkness.
According to impeccable sources, Kakwenza’s exile involved a sly yet simple operation designed to meet the “let’s confuse them” threshold. And boy, did it work!
Following a series of meetings, sources say, the plan for exile was ironed out. Although Kakwenza and his team knew the court would not release his passport, they still went ahead with the plot.
One of the ladies suggested that Kakwenza wears a gomesi with fake hips, fake eyelashes and fake boobs.
“Eh, I would need both fake hips and fake bums at this rate,” Kakwenza joked.
“The problem is he’s so tall it would be impossible to find any fitting gomesi in a jiffy yet tailors can’t be trusted to do the needful,” added a lawyer.
“Doesn’t Nina Rose have a gomesi in her wardrobe? I think they are almost the same height and size,” another lady said.
“Who is Nina Rose?” asked several elderly voices.
“A muna-Masaka, gifted with such height she didn’t need to stand on stage to perform most times as she could still tower over the crowd…”
The young lady’s painting of Nina Rose was cut short by an elder who called for business to resume. One of the lawyers stood up and detailed a plan. He called it the “Photoshop Exile” and proceeded to explain the finer details.
“That’s good subterfuge,” an elder said after they had all looked at one another and concluded that no one was against the idea.
An Adobe wizard was contacted and supplied with all photos Kakwenza had and asked to look up images from different countries that would be used in the feint. 
The team would share the Photoshop images on social media to drive the Gletkins crazy as Kakwenza sipped green tea from his hiding place in Kampala.
He would soon be off more assured that he would not need a gomesi or fake hips because the ruse would have sent the regime apologists into renewing their issues with Rwanda.
Insiders say the writer then left in different disguises, including one of a farmer, never mind that he has been one for a while now. At Mutukula border, Kakwenza jumped on a boda boda prepared for his escape.
Asked to identify himself, Kakwenza put up the appearance of a person who was sicker than medicine and went ballistic.
“It’s the pachydermatous curmudgeon in a superannuated illegitimacy… you understand?” he said.
The officials were expecting Swahili but they now concluded the fellow before them was in need of urgent treatment.
“Ah! You saying you going to Lutindi? Proceed,” they waved them on.
I asked Kakwenza to confirm these events, he said I must have been writing them from Lutindi, a mental rehabilitation facility in Korogwe, Tanzania.
“Go to your window, if you see a fly outside, it means you are in the right place in the mental asylum. If you don’t see one, it means you are okay upstairs and should delete the platitudinous concoction,” he said.