Prime
You can make quick bucks now by scamming iron sheet ministers
What you need to know:
- I tell you, those iron sheets suspects who have been hogging VVIP syndrome are now so desperate you can make quick bucks by scamming them. And this is entirely legit in the grand scheme of things.
This is entirely pro bono trick up my nostril and it works. Even after the culprits read it here, they will still be as hopeless as a third degree bald man is in a comb shop.
Believe you me, even a presidential secretary can spend days or weeks without coming close to the old man. Some of these ministers only see him on TV like you, me and Kitutu – and I don’t really mean the minister who, at the time of filing this column, was in Luzira trying to solve the riddle of the egg and the hen.
Word is that a warder teased that if Kitutu answered which of the egg and hen came first, they would connect her to the President using Afande Byabashaija’s telephone. She has been working her head since and might not have that mop of hair when she is finally a free minister.
I tell you, those iron sheets suspects who have been hogging VVIP syndrome are now so desperate you can make quick bucks by scamming them. And this is entirely legit in the grand scheme of things.
First, like that one spending day and night trying to answer the egg-hen riddle, you can position yourself as someone close to so-and-so who works in the State House. It doesn’t matter the name you throw at them -- they don’t know most of the State House workers anyway.
Just play around with believable lies like “oh, my auntie is the one who carries the tray of letters and petitions to the President’s desk.” Then regale them with stories of how a letter can be smuggled in after protocol has checked and approved the in-coming and how the last contact person can also keep a letter from reaching the big man.
Right now you are all believing what you have read this far. So am I. That is the beauty of a lie. A starved dog will eat grass. For Shs200m, you promise a minister that you will not only ensure that the President reads their plea but also believe it and forgive them.
To spice things up, claim you are the one who made MK discard Gashumba. These guys have seen firsthand how Kitutu has been made to understand that it’s only in the Bible that talks of “wise men come from the east” is tolerable.
The thing is, if you go after Minister A, you get the bucks but don’t stop there. Return to them again with that true lie and they will pay up again having long forgotten that they had already paid up.
The fear of Luzira is not a small matter. If in doubt, ask Mukula. You know one day that chap thought he was a wise man from the east. He declared he would run for the highest office in the land.
Suddenly, a whirlwind swept him so viciously that when he woke up, a loan shark was threatening his Bugos pad and he was in Luzira over this and that. He renounced that presidential ambition nonsense and swore that Soroti is in the yeast not east.
Meanwhile, if you are twice as smart, you can even set up a shrine. When an African is nervous, he will go to pastors, shrines and even the toilet. Tell them you can make the President forget about the iron sheets scandal by just throwing some cowries and slaughtering a red duck under a mvule tree at midnight.
The red duck will go for Shs500m, you will say. Other paraphernalia like a white linen, a gay cockroach and a mosquito that has lived for 37 years will be brought from Luweero Triangle where the NRA were based. It will be completed with a dog’s egg picked from Rwakitura.
Meanwhile, don’t forget to set up a loan shark briefcase willing to give the ministers that float at 200 percent interest. They won’t notice the zeros. Or they will only see one zero under the influence of desperation.
Like I said, this is an entirely pro bono tip given to me by a man so short he needs a stool to reach a comb up his own hair.
Disclaimer: This is a parody column
