Kenyan election: Uhuru, Raila, Ruto and the politics of ugali and sukuma wiki

Apart from Kenyans consistently tucking away steady quantum of ugali and sukuma wiki since time immemorial, I still can’t explain the drama in Kenya. In fact, the notion that wise men come from the east now appears questionable, because what’s happening in our nice neighbours’ backyard drips of foolhardiness.

I am trying to work out – unsuccessfully, I must point out – how it be that Uhuru Kenyatta, after two very successful terms of office, and his father being the founding father of Kenya, did not even consider staying in power to “consolidate the achievements”! ‘President Kenyatta of Kenya’ was sounding just about right, so why change a winning combination?

Where were the delegations of elders from every corner of Kenya, to demand that Uhuru was the nicest thing to happen to Kenya since ugali and sukuma wiki and he should amend the constitution and stay on? Worse, Uhuru, instead of using his term of office to nail his nemesis Raila Odinga so he doesn’t ever disturb him again, used it to extend a handshake to Raila, and in the process his elbow hit his (Uhuru’s) right-hand man William Ruto squarely in the face! And before we knew it, the president was campaigning for Raila! Politics of ugali and sukuma wiki!

And Uhuru makes no attempt, like a proper commander-in-chief of the armed forces, to deploy the military to batter Ruto, lock him up and his key people and make it impossible for them to campaign. Even basic courtesy of the police consisting of nice anti-riot consumables like good old-fashioned tear gas was not extended to the opposition!

So Uhuru thinks he has been a president all along? Come on, you Kenyans!!

And now you are telling us that the opposition chaps went behind the president’s back and manipulated the system to deliver victory to Ruto? What kind of African country exactly is Uhuru running? My, oh my; the things that ugali and sukuma wiki can do to a nation!

Then look at how Uhuru has been campaigning for Raila: not even a single mention of his illustrious father, the legendary Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya’s founding father. Very heartbreaking! In other countries, had it been the president’s son campaigning; he’d be going “my father this, my father that,” after every two sentences. Only two or three lines would be left of the speech if you edited “my father” out of it. I will never eat ugali and sukuma wiki again!

Now this Wafula Chebukati – where he grew up, are there no elders? How dare he come up with a verdict that insults the president? Apart from making the president happy, can Chebukati cite anything else in his terms of reference as the chairman of the electoral body? Why was he trying to be clever and unduly ambitious? Hopeless! In serious countries, he’d have ended up in jail – over unrelated matters, properly proved by a dozen witnesses and several exhibits. Ugali na sukuma wiki just!

As for Ruto…in other countries, where people don’t think ugali and sukuma wiki are such a terrific idea, some nice, skinny, scatterbrained babe would have turned up at the party convention, knelt before the president and begged him, tears running, to amend the constitution or whatever law protects the deputy president from being relieved of his duties.

Many members would “randomly” get up and make long, impassioned speeches in support…followed by a unanimous resolution.  Uhuru would, of course, say absolutely nothing at first. He’d just sit there, overwhelmed by the occasion and, feeling over-pressured and stressed, would throw his hands in the air and announce that in the spirit of upholding the party interest, he Uhuru, had no choice. And that would be it for Ruto.

A couple of days later, a general who has never been to the battlefield all his life, and whose pips were earned ‘scientifically’ would finally get the chance of a lifetime to command his very first battle. He’d proudly lead a battalion, heavily mechanised, to …well, where does Ruto stay again?...exactly! The ‘mother of all battles’ would involve disarming the six or seven guards of Ruto – who have nothing more than six AK47 rifles and a machine gun - and which they have no intention of using. Ninyi Wakenya, achilieni mbali hiyo ugali na sukuma wiki!

Mr Tegulle is an advocate of the High Court of Uganda     [email protected]