Having regular conversations with your children solves a lot of problems

As an adult, have you ever had a conversation(s) with a friend, parent, spouse, or anyone else, and during that discussion the person actively listened without interrupting you?

If you have ever, you know that such conversation(s) have a positive effect on the person being listened to. He or she feels valued, understood, connected emotionally, and the person feels what they have to say is worthwhile. Effective communication is the engine of social relationships.

Just as adults want to be listened to, so do children. They crave to connect more often and have conversations with their parents/guardians seeking guidance. But more importantly, letting teenagers express themselves makes them know they are loved, cared for, and that someone is interested in their lives.

Why am I saying this? Well, in my line of work, I do a lot of dialogues with young people. During the lockdown, and after schools were reopened, I have interacted with many of them in different schools and communities, discussing challenges encountered during lockdown,  and how they are copying since returning back to school.

Out of the many concerns the adolescents had, one that clearly stood out was that during lockdown, many of them felt alone and neglected by their parents. Some parents would leave home early in the morning, and return back late in the evening drunk, and start bickering and fighting with the children. No wonder most of them said they were eager to return back to school because teachers have time to talk to them and guide them.

In fact, many of these adolescents blame parents for the challenges they (young people) encountered such as high cases of teenage pregnancies, early marriages, and alcohol and drug abuse during lockdown. Their argument is that some parents no longer care about their children’s well-being, they don’t counsel and guide them, and so the children feel lost and confused in this big wide world.

 The youngsters said they desire to have regular conversations with their parents/guardians for three reasons. First; as adolescents, they are going through puberty and need someone they trust to give them the right information. For instance, for the girls, this is the time they see their first menstruation period, and they need someone they know and trust to talk to them about menstrual hygiene management.

Secondly, young people want their parents to guide them on this journey called life. At this stage, some are beginning to get attracted to people of the opposite sex, and may not know the dangers involved in starting sexual relationships at their age. Talking to an adult about their feelings would be of great help, and plays a critical role in preventing negative outcomes such as unwanted teenage pregnancies.

However, they can only freely open up about things going on in their lives if their parents leave lines of communication open. Short of that, they will suffer in silence, or seek guidance and information from their peers and strangers, and who knows what kind of information they get from these secondary sources. Research has found that parents/guardians tend to consider the importance of big talks about significant topics with teens, but the ability to connect when it really matters is often based on the ability to connect when it doesn’t. And the way a parent relates to his or her children in day-to-day life will make it easier - or harder - to sort out the key issues.

Thirdly, teens who said they had open conversations with their parents were more confident, could easily express themselves before others, and when faced with challenges like bullying at school, or some boy or girl in the school or community was interested in them, they could easily confide in their parents.

Studies have shown that the more parents communicate with the children, the more children will improve their communication abilities and will relate better to the people around them.

Soon, children are coming back home for the holidays. As parents, endeavor to spend quality time with them; talk to them and find out how they are copying at school, and anything else about their life. As they are talking to you, listen attentively to understand them. Don’t only listen to respond, there is a difference between the two. For parents who in the past have not cultivated a fertile ground for open discussions with your children, you can start now, it is never too late to start.  Remember, they are not going to be young forever.

Child Mind Institute shares a few tips on how parents can nurture good relationships with their teenage children by; listening to them, validate their feelings, don’t be a dictator, do things together, give praise where necessary, share regular meals and during this time, you can have conversations about anything. When children are well listened to, they also become good listeners in future.

Vivian Agaba, Journalist and consultant writer