Make sure you build a healthy relationship with your children

In the past centuries, parenting was not as complicated as it is now in the 21st Century. Before, all children were looked at as community children, and there was collective responsibility for raising children. Families used to live in an extended setting compared to today’s unitary/individualised setting.

In some families, parents had time to sit with their children at a round table or fireplace, and they would share stories, riddles, songs, etc. This not only helped children to learn how to express themselves, but also meant families would have enough time to be together and discuss family issues, and parents would pass on any information that seemed crucial to their children.

In doing so, parents were able to identify with their children and establish a relationship with them.

Nowadays, the process of raising children is completely changing. A lot is happening in families as parenting is being substituted with other things. Parents are so busy with many things, as some seemingly say, that they are struggling hard to invest in their children. Some parents are busy pursuing education, which is consuming a lot of time and leaving less for their children.

Others are into businesses or formal jobs, working so hard to make sure children are able to attend the best schools for quality education and live a better life, among others.

In doing so, there is very little time to invest in children and build a positive relationship with them. We have absentee parents who literally never have enough time to bond with their children.

 A parent leaves home very early in the morning for work and comes back late, very tired or with more office-related or business assignments to accomplish from home. The house helpers have replaced them with their parenting role and understand much more about their children’s welfare and needs than real parents.

Some families also use TV sets, computers/laptops, and smartphones to keep the children busy, and the parents hardly get time to share stories, have fun, eat together, or even pray with them as a family. But again, when the busy parents get home, they want to catch up, and they get busy whatsapping, making calls, and watching TV, and hardly have time to know how their children are coping when they are off.

As time goes on, there is no time to bond with your children, and therefore, building a relationship with them is next to impossible.

But it is never too late if you still have young children or if your children are not yet spoiled. You can still make it and build a strong positive relationship with them that will make your children proud of you for life.

According to Gail and Strain of the Center on Evidence-Based Practices for Early Learning, “adults need to invest time and attention with children as a precedent to the optimum use of sound behavior change strategies.” Children need our time and our availability more than anything else. They may speak different love languages, but the time factor is vital for all.

Knowing that you value their ideas, you are supportive, you listen to them, and that you play with them helps to create a heart-to-heart relationship. It’s important to always do family projects/business together, attend functions, watch TV, go to church, have an outing/family retreat together, pray together, share the fun in the car together when traveling, share with them your life stories, plan family matters together, eat with them, read story books for toddlers, give a call regularly among others and you will see how easy it is to be in your child’s life.

Remember, children imitate their parents and love to be like them in doing good things. The process of building a positive relationship with your child and connecting together starts right away from the time the mother is pregnant.

Therefore, never wait for a born baby to start the process. It is your responsibility to initiate and develop a positive relationship with them.

 Build a strong connection with words such as “I love you” frequently, even on a phone call. Tell them how they are smart, intelligent, beautiful, handsome, loving, and respectful. Hug them, give them pecks, have regular one-on-one conversations, understand each child as an individual, meet their needs, speak politely to them, don’t exasperate them, give them an opportunity to make their own choices and face consequences, allow them to ask you questions or express their feelings freely. Show them empathy and be emotionally touched by their challenges. Listen to them all the time and advise accordingly. Also, show respect and trust; these are good for positive parenting.

Dickson Tumuramye,  Child advocate, parenting coach, marriage counselor, and founder-Men of Purpose.                                            

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