One of the most annoying police tickets in Uganda is that of ‘inconsiderate use of motor vehicles.’ It is also the most exploited. Because anything can be considered inconsiderate. When the officer cannot find a charge worth stamping on the driver, this comes in handy. I suspect that if we ran a statistical tabulation of all tickets issued in Uganda, this one would meet Pareto’s principle. It all sounds like you drove your car in such a zigzag way that no other living thing could use the road. Anything people, I repeat anything can count as inconsiderate use.
Anyway, being the good citizen that I am, I finally paid off that one ticket. You know there is that group of Entebbe traffic officers. They wait at that last point, always hidden in some ka-tree waiting to grab travellers rushing to catch a plane. And they know how to spot anxiety. Naye this time round, they found me seeing. A friend says mbu the traffic officers on Entebbe road are special, they can never stop you just to greet you. Mbu those ones, they are true bavubi, their nets never miss. At worst, they will always slap ‘inconsiderate use’.
Kwegamba, when you think about it, most of our Ugandan society could be termed as inconsiderate users. Like there are inconsiderate users of platforms. You know the chaps that will not buy microwaves in their homes. You know, one should always pass a poverty test. Like is it my poverty making this argument, or the argument is really sound? All along people are pestering me to get married in order to make such decisions. Should it be sigiri food or gas-stove food? Should it be ndagala or mulawo food? People, people, our ka-GDP per capita is still too low, we should be concerning ourselves with issues of socio-economic transformation. The world is busy discussing carbon markets, we are here waking up people’s daughters to warm food.
You see, some of us are looking for simpletons. The kind with whom we shall catch an Andrei Tarkovsky film, argue about Dostoevsky and Nietzsche, then go out and compete on who makes the best tea and coffee. Why do people complicate this marriage thing? It is just two adults coming together to make offspring, aka increase tax base, and consumption base, and then try to soothe each other from the worries of this transient world. That is what the monks at the Uganda Buddhist Centre told me. Mbu we don’t have to stress so much. Things are already aligned. If you are happy, that is passing. Sad, that is passing.
Do you not see Ssemyekozo? Nga the man cried, wailed, punched bags, even created a federation. Nothing works a man than not having something he once had, something he thought was obsessed over him. Man never settles until he gets equal. But now the federation boss knows it was all temporary. Here he is, with Mini (in Tamale Mirundi Jr speak). You people do not know my Baganda people with kutijja (over-overing). In Buganda when we want to spice up everything in order to annoy our haters, we just shorten names of everything. Ortega becomes Orte. Orte waffe. If someone is Minister, we say, Mini. Mini waffe. Kaana ka mbata brought us Mini. Banange Mini is everywhere, Mini this, Mini that. This is the point when you dedicate Liam Voice’s song; ‘Dear Ex’ to Mukyala Doctor.
Another idea came to me good people, why don’t we stress the Uganda Airlines hostesses a bit? Like on those short-haul flights, can’t they wear a gomesi or omushanana? The Habesha team does it on the Ethiopian Airline flights. What about us people? We can do something. After all, what are we really serving? Some croissant and juice. Surely, that can be served in the most complicated of attires.
My village people must be stealing my thoughts. Because the goal today was to talk about Uganda’s socio-economic transformation. We went from a purely agrarian society to one hinged on services. There are three core sectors in Uganda at the moment. Politics is one of them. You see, even my friend Makombo is oba Deputy RDC. He left me in the struggle. The man has not sent even an ailing chicken. Really? That brings me to the next sector. Luseke. Okay, even politics is luseke. But luseke, this act of heaping praises on a potential target with the hope of siphoning something from their wallet. Luseke is both an art and science. It should be a mandatory course at every level of education. Imagine a Bachelor of Art in Luseke Management. If you get money from Luseke, put it in a unit trust or a government bond, in no time, you can pull that back into real estate, at a rate of 13 percent. Nonsense people. Nonsense. Finally, there is enkudi. Now every Ugandan you meet, they are either in politics, in luseke or enkudi. And if they are not in any of those sectors, then chances are high, you are speaking to long fingers. Yes, as a lumpen friend states; “there are two ways to grow rich in Uganda, you steal from the government, and you find ways for the government not to steal from you.”
Nange like the Swangz Avenue team, I have gone to the island. But people, when is the Vinka concert? Chips ne Ketchup is when?
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