I suspect one of these days, I am going to be dethroned from the seat of the emperor. You know, twice in a row, ‘I have slept off’ when I was meant to meet with my awesome princesses. First was Princess Joy, she said she would call me and we would meet at Pier One in Ntinda. I said I knew how to do it. I used to do it. You steal some early sleep then hit the club around midnight. That time when bars have made some ka money already and the vibe is on.
Nga don’t I sleep off. I woke up to missed calls from Princess Sanyu. I could not believe it. Is this how life treats its revolutionaries? Me who really turned around the nightlife in this town. Like most of the strokes people use today, I invented them. You can ask the crew that went to that infamous Ntinda bar. So I hear mbu, mbu most of the night chaps there shifted to Tapas. Kwegamba migration is real.
So mbu because of the economy, people have taken the pre-gaming thing seriously. The foundation matters. Before you take a girl out, you pre-game with some kikomando at home. Gwe have you seen the bu food portions at these restaurants? Imagine last time, my mentor even had to sacrifice her meal for me. Mbu you Ortega I know you are still single, kwata avocado. Lya. Banange Ju.
So back to the people I missed. Nga I decide to focus on Princess ki-beautiful. Because how can an African man of my calibre give an excuse of ‘I slept off’, my late father would slap me. How? I tell Princess ki-beautiful nti baby let me catch some two-hour sleep. Call me when you are at Silo. People, there was a repeat of the same. I slept off. I woke up to her missed call and a message. If it were not for me being an emperor, I would be among the men that girls have written off in this town. I really suspect Kampala girls have a secret WhatsApp group where they rate us. Like all of them are in that group and they set things such as price of transport money.
Then came the whole law society thing. You know, us in Naalya, we also have a law society. Its tag line is ‘more than just a massage.’ I was recently appointed to lead the re-branding of Naalya. You know mbu I am a trusted destination marketer. Mbu for long people have thought we are just about massage. But how could they think otherwise. Imagine Naalya, the place literally says; ‘I will eat, oba I ate.’ So it can only be about food and food. I told people, you know, we do not have to fully kill our massage identity. We can just say; ‘more than just a massage’. But instead, the estate people responded by placing gates at every corner of the estate. The ka place now feels suffocated like some kind of prison. I pity the men who be sneaking in their sidos. Imagine how they will now have to tip the gate men. I think it is no longer Naalya estate but Naalya Community College School.
Now there are also bu chaps who have been asking nti naye Ortega nga tokyuusa motoka. First of all, my car has been well-maintained. It is not the kind people nickname mbu beast. You know if you have another name for your car, then it is an issue. You know the bu African dogs they call monster. I am waiting for a green transition. My next car will be an EV. Better, I should drive one from Kiira Motors.
But back to the Naalya Law Society (NLS), we had wanted to call the election earlier and declare that the age of counterculture is right upon us. I must admit, whenever I have thought that the counterculture revolution was here, I was wrong. But this time I have a feeling I could be right. I have a feeling the gong was sounded. These lines below from Bob Dylan are more real than ever.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And do not criticise
What you cannot understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you cannot lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'
Good people, there is a shift. The frontlines have shifted. In the sense that you do not have to perform. You can be the genuine misfit that you are, and we shall like you. We shall look deep within the misfit’s heart and find the hidden gold. Expect more hippies. The old is pregnant with the new, but the old is scared of the new that it is birthing. It is for this reason that the law that teaches the young to respect the old should be drafted. But worry not old people, Naalya exists for you. It is more than just a massage.
But with that all said, people nga the luseke in Kampala has become too bloody.
X: ortegatalks
