FITTING IN: Potbellies have maintained the signature of wealth in Uganda. A rich man in this city must have a potbelly to prove it. And that is how I have suffered in this city as a slender handsome man. All my awesome facial features have been lost to the audience; they want the potbelly... It is on this note people that I have decided to seek for the sellers of potbellies.
The mafuta-mingi culture never left Kampala. You know, the image of a rich man in Kampala has always had a potbelly somewhere in the mix. In Uganda, wealth must be felt and seen, and it must be seen on someone’s body. We know you are doing well, when your body is bloating all out.
My late grandmother was never convinced that I was satisfied until she could touch and confirm that my belly had formed a balloon. That is why potbellies have maintained the signature of wealth in Uganda. A rich man in this city must have a potbelly to prove it. And that is how I have suffered in this city as a slender handsome man. All my awesome facial features have been lost to the audience; they want the potbelly. Mbu, apparently the potbelly also serves other functions, it can serve as a pillow, or even a play toy for the kids.
It is on this note people that I have decided to seek for the sellers of potbellies. How come for all these years the chaps at Gazaland have not manufactured a fake potbelly? Who is speaking for the men? You see, even when you think of a gamba n’ogu, you think of some bombastic man with a potbelly. When you think of a successful politician, you think of a potbelly. The potbelly sells like hot cake.
And now it is harder for chaps like me. We are off the bottle and fully halaal. Because at least then, I could go on a serious diet of the bottle and the animal with many names. I need an alternative secret to the potbelly. Like a place where I walk in with my flat tummy and then exit with a potbelly.
Life is about to change for your boy. Well, in Kampala you are not yet a man until that potbelly starts to protrude. There was Ortega version 1.0 (no potbelly), now Ortega pro max is coming (with potbelly). And you see when you have a potbelly, people are sure you will always pay. No one even asks to confirm if you can afford it. At least the airport people will not be asking about my cash flow status regarding my ability to travel. The potbelly answers many questions. And even when you choose to jog, people understand. Because as a slender man, people are always wondering why I am jogging. Like mbu what am I trying to lose? In Uganda, you only exercise if you are trying to lose something. People, if you got a plug, a serious potbelly plug, I am here. I am willing to pay through the nose, the skin and the feet. The 2026 elections must find me prepared, with a proper image of a successful Ugandan.
Once I have my potbelly, I will also upgrade out of the ka Subaru. Because again, why would a man with a potbelly drive a Subaru? Those two things do not add up. I will get one of those Toyotas, and buy a walking stick, or get a fly whisk. My weekdays will be spent in conferences around town. I will be the sustainability guru in Uganda, talking about circular economies and the urgency to deliver on the triple bottom line. In the evenings, I will hit up my friends, we visit a sauna, then I will complain about this economy. For example, how it is only working for the banks. The next day, I will submit my bid documents, well, you know potbellies move hand in hand with tenderpreneurship. The only thing I do not want to mess with is my handsome face. I want to be handsome with a potbelly. Then I will fly to Dubai or Paris or better meet my Italian tailor and upgrade my suit and watch.
Speaking of watches, why have the Kampala elites lost it these days? Complete zero sense of fashion. People cannot even match suits anymore. The shoes are off. The skins are peeling. Like what is happening. Are you all waiting for the new age of the Ortega aristocracy to usher in a serious revolution? Like how can Aristoc even close? You people. Like how do you move in this city when you have a scarcity of third and fourth spaces? But why should I mind you anyway. I am going to be rocking my potbelly. I suspect it is the reason MK has been ignoring me. Because with a potbelly, I should be having a constituency to govern. At least they should give me Naalya to run. Imagine me with my potbelly in charge of collecting taxes in Naalya, issuing licenses for new parlours, charging road toll for those people that use our road. Again, wonders of the potbelly.
The only thing I do not plan to do with my potbelly is hang around university hostels. No people, I am the first man that will combine potbelly with class and status. Again, your dear readers of this man obsessed with a potbelly should tell the difference between class and status. Or you expect me to teach you everything… but I would not mind a Shifurah hanging around the potbelly in Max Weber style…
Twitter: ortegatalks
