My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost one year. However, she does not answer whenever I tell her I love her, especially during phone calls. Instead, she says ‘thank you’. Also, if I do not call or text her, she never bothers to do it. I have asked her to improve on her communication but nothing has changed. What can I do? Does she love me?
Necker
Dear Necker,
Based on the shared details, your concerns about the relationship are valid. This is an opportunity to engage more deeply with each other, fostering mutual understanding. Navigating concerns in a relationship requires a delicate balance of introspection, communication, and mutual understanding. Acknowledging your worries about the relationship is important in recognising your feelings and needs.
It is a survival instinct of sorts, prompting you to pause and evaluate the situation. This introspective process allows you to assess what aspects of the relationship are fulfilling and where there may be gaps that need addressing.
Open and honest communication serves as the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When you express concerns to your girlfriend, such as feeling unsettled when she responds with a casual “Thank you” to your declarations of love, it opens a dialogue about emotional reciprocity. Communication is not just about talking; it is about listening, understanding, and adjusting based on mutual respect and consideration.
Your concern about feeling disconnected due to initiating most contact is also valid. Relationships thrive on mutual effort and investment. Suggesting practical ways to enhance communication and connection, such as setting aside dedicated time for meaningful conversations or planning activities together, can help bridge any perceived gaps.
Understanding how each person expresses and experiences love differently is crucial. For some, verbal affirmations like “I love you” hold immense significance, while others may demonstrate their affection through actions or gestures.
Your girlfriend’s response of “Thank you” might be her way of acknowledging your feelings, albeit in a manner that differs from your expectations. Exploring her perspective on love and affection can provide valuable insights into her emotional landscape and deepen your understanding of each other.
When assessing her feelings for you, it is essential to consider both her words and actions. While verbal expressions are important, actions often speak louder. Does she actively make efforts to spend time with you, support your endeavours, or make you feel valued and appreciated? Observing these behaviors can offer a clearer indication of her emotional investment in the relationship.
However, despite efforts to communicate and understand each other better, relationships can sometimes reach an impasse. If you find that your concerns persist despite open dialogue and concerted efforts to connect, it may be necessary to reassess whether the relationship is meeting your emotional needs. Self-reflection plays a crucial role in this process.
Assessing what you truly need and desire from a relationship, whether it is emotional support, reciprocity in affection, or shared goals and values, can provide clarity on whether the current relationship aligns with your long-term aspirations.
It is important to approach this evaluation with compassion for both yourself and your partner. Relationships are dynamic and require ongoing effort and adaptation. Sometimes, issues can be resolved through open communication, mutual compromise, and a shared commitment to growth. Other times, despite genuine efforts, differences in needs or expectations may indicate that the relationship is not sustainable in its current form.
Ultimately, your emotional well-being and fulfilment are paramount. Trusting your instincts and honouring your feelings is essential in navigating the complexities of relationships.and self-compassion.
READER ADVICE
Give her time
Kirsten Bayne. It is a turnoff for someone to tell you they love you over and over again too early into the relationship. It may repulse the woman. Such relationships do not develop further because instead of the man trying to build a relationship with you by trying to get to know you, he is just throwing I love you like it is water.
Work on yourself
Ulrike Klank. Do not give up on improving what you are meant to improve. I am happy there is a response from her as far as thanking you is concerned. I know you are not certain whether the thank you is positive or negative. Keep improving until you excel.
End the relationship
Wilfred Oloo. It is very clear and open that you are deeply in love with her and yet she does not love you back. Nobody is too busy to answer your calls and texts. Do not lose your self-respect because of her. Do not call or text her again, if she loves you the way you love her, then she will make an effort to make the relationship work. And if she does not, be patient, you will find someone else who adores you.
Love defends itself
Daniel Ntwatwa. There is something so spontaneous in love that makes it talk and defend itself in a way that where it exists you must feel it and vice versa. It happens to both sides because it is mutual. According to your story, she does not love you. Therefore, look elsewhere.
Meet and talk
Bonnie Ogwang. You should have told us how long this relationship has lasted. Anyway, sit your girlfriend down and talk. Let her know how much you love her. Do not complain about her not calling or texting you; just let her know that you feel bad if you do not see a call from her for the whole day and see how she will respond. There you will get to know whether she loves you or not.
You must do more
Evah Strong Abongs. How much have you done to make that relationship work? On its own, saying I love you will not make any difference since even someone with ulterior motives will say the same. Take it to another level.
Do the chasing
Joan Joanah. Yes, she loves you but she does not want to do the chasing and she is right. When you ignore her the whole day expecting her to call first, she will just keep running away from you. Men are supposed to do the chasing.
She does not love you
JB Kasumba Gracious. There is no love there, just gather the broken pieces of your heart and move on with your life.
She does not love you
Mary Kabuye. One year is too little. You can date for years without someone ever saying those words. Just let her go and find someone who will genuinely love you.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
